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Hello Little One,
I’m your mama. I am very excited to meet you and see your sweet face. I found out about you on April 1, 2016. On April Fools Day, if you can believe it. It was just before 6:00 am and I couldn’t sleep. Daddy had already gone to work. I got up to go to the bathroom and just had this feeling. I had been feeling more tired lately. My cycle was not that late, but I just wanted to check. I took two pregnancy tests even though I was not expecting to be pregnant. And if I was, I was not expecting to know this early. I saw the positive tests and couldn’t believe my eyes. I started smiling and couldn’t stop. I crawled back into bed and thanked God for the little miracle in my belly. I was going to wait to tell Daddy until that night. I wanted to try to think of a fun way to surprise him. However, my secret only lasted an hour. I called him and told him over the phone because I was too excited to wait. He seemed happy, but he thought I was playing an April Fools joke on him. His response was simply, “Nice.” I had to convince him that I was serious. When he finally believed me, he was very excited and couldn’t wait to come home and give me a hug. He can’t wait to meet you and neither can I. We love you already my dear. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Baby,
I love you and can’t wait to meet you! On April 1, 2016, Mommy called me shortly after I got to work. She told me, “Guess who’s going to be a daddy again.” I said, “Who?” Then she said, "You!" When I got home, Mommy had taken 4 pregnancy tests and all were positive. I am so glad that God blessed our family with another baby. Mommy, Isaac, Eli and I are so excited to meet you. If you get beat up, knocked around, sat on, or pushed while in the womb, you can blame one of your brothers. They kind of love mommy…a lot! I can’t wait for the first ultrasound when we get to see you! I love you baby! Daddy |
Dear Little One,
We told Isaac and Eli about you last night. Isaac didn’t believe us at first. He said that there was no baby in my belly, but there would be soon. I think he was confused because my belly isn’t big yet. Eli just kept saying that he had a baby in his belly too. We asked the boys what we should name you. They used to say that if we have another baby, we should name him Sherman. I vetoed that name, so you don't have to worry about that one. But last night, they decided that your name is Cutie Pie. So, that is what we will call your for now. Your brothers are so excited to meet you! We love you. Isaac - Isaac is your biggest brother. He is three and a half. Isaac is a great big brother. He has had a lot of practice. He was barely 16 months old when we brought home Eli. Isaac is a very passionate person. He feels everything so deeply. When he thinks something is right or important, he will fight to the death for it. And he thinks you are very important. He loves you more than you could ever know. Yes, sometimes he is loud and very vocal, but he will protect you for the rest of your life. He will fight for you and stand up for you. He loves you no matter what. Eli - Eli is your big brother. He is two and has completely embraced his toddlerhood. Eli is a goofball. He does not have a serious bone in his body. He takes after Daddy. He’s funny and silly and kind of sassy. He will tease you and pick on you, but is it because he loves you. He is going to be the one who will make you laugh when you are sad. He will always try to cheer you up and will probably succeed. Love always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Your brothers love you so much already. They are so excited to meet you. The other day we were all in the car driving to the store. I was driving and mommy was in the passenger seat. Your brothers were in the back. All of a sudden, I was getting yelled at because I was “driving too fast for the baby”. Any time I stepped on the gas pedal, two loud voices from the back seat would yell at me, “You’re driving too fast for Cutie Pie!!!”. Eli loves the idea that you are in Mommy’s belly. He hugs you and kisses you every morning. He plays music and sings songs to you. He always hugs Mommy's belly and says, “Hello baby.” Recently, he has been competing with Mommy for who has the most babies in their belly. He thinks that he has three babies in his belly and Mommy only has one baby in her belly. Isaac loves you more than words can express. He snuggles with you and sings to you. He lays baby toys on Mommy’s belly for you to play with. He asked Mommy the other day, “When will my baby sister come out so I can play with her for real?” Love, Daddy |
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Daddy and I had different ideas of how to tell people that we were having a new baby. Either way, we just couldn’t wait. We were so excited that we just wanted to shout to the world that God had blessed us with a new little miracle. The following pictures are a few of the ways that we sent to people through text message and social media. We also let your brothers tell a few people. Most of the time, Isaac just pointed to my belly and smiled, but sometimes he would actually say, “Mommy has a baby in her belly."
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Hi Cutie Pie,
We went to see the doctor on Wednesday, May 4, 2016 at 1:00 pm. Daddy met us for lunch beforehand. The boys and I picked up some sandwiches and we had a picnic outside the clinic. Your brothers were so excited to take you to your first doctor’s appointment. We told them that they might be able to hear your heartbeat today. First, we saw the nurse. She took a blood sample which scared Isaac. He just stared. The nurse said that the doctor would be in soon with the ultrasound machine. We were so excited to see you. We had never had an ultrasound this early before. You were only 9 weeks old. With your brothers, they always waited until 12 weeks. We didn’t protest though because we were going to get to see you today and we were so happy. The doctor came in and did her exam. Your brothers waited outside with Daddy. When they came back in everything was set up for the ultrasound. Your brothers wanted to see you so badly. I think they thought that they were going to see a full sized baby today. They did not understand that you were that little white circle on the screen. But there you were, my little Cutie Pie. I saw the tip of your head down to the bottom of your tiny little rump. And best of all, I saw your teeny tiny heart. It was beating away. I felt so much relief. There you were, Cutie Pie, happy and healthy. The doctor seemed a little confused. She said that you were measuring at just over 8 weeks. She asked if my cycles were usually longer. I said that they usually lasted 28-32 days. She calculated my due date again and measured you two more times. She said, “Yep, baby is measuring about 8 weeks 2 days. But we aren’t going to change your due date just yet. We usually don’t change it unless we are more than a week off.” So right now you are set to arrived on December 7, 2016. I can’t wait to meet you my dear sweet baby. I can’t wait for our first snuggle. Love Always, Mommy |
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Dear Cutie Pie,
Today was your first appointment. We were really excited that we would get to hear your little heartbeat. We brought your brothers with us and they were excited too. Although when your brothers get excited, it is hard to hold onto them. I was afraid they might break the doctor’s equipment. When we went back to the room, the nurse practitioner said she wanted do to an ultrasound. We were so excited that we’d get to see you. We told the boys and they couldn’t wait. I took the boys out for the exam and came back for the ultrasound. When we got back in, you came into view on the screen. Our teeny tiny little baby. We could see your tiny little heart beating and flickering on the screen. We were so excited and lucky that we got to see you! Love, Daddy |
Hi Baby,
I have been struggling with the idea of gaining weight more with you than with your brothers. I started out just looking like I ate a big lunch and now I’m really starting to look pregnant. I have spent the last year trying to lose the baby weight from your brothers and now I’m going to gain it all back….or hopefully just some of it. Anyway, you started showing very early. All my doctor could say was, “Well, third baby, short torso.” I guess she is right, but I’m hoping that you aren’t a monster baby. ;-). Here are some pictures of you growing inside my belly. For the record, I really hate having my picture taken. Also, selfies of people in the mirror kind of annoy me. So, this is how much I love you…that I am willing to take a selfie in a mirror to document your growth. :-) Love Always, Mommy |
Hi Cutie Pie,
So Mommy gets self conscious of how she looks and is worried about her growing belly, but I love it. I love holding Mommy’s belly and seeing it grow. I know that she doesn’t believe me, but it is one of the most incredible things to watch. I love you, Daddy |
Hi little one,
I wanted to tell you a little bit about this pregnancy. My experience with your brothers was similar with a few small changes. You are a spit fire I can tell. I have this feeling that you are a girl because this pregnancy is so different than with your brothers. I did not have any morning sickness with your brothers. But you, my dear, are causing mommy lots of yucky feelings in my tummy. I have even been throwing up. My streak is over. I thought maybe I would be able to say that I never threw up with any of my babies. Not going to be able to say that now. There are things that just make me queasy. Eggs, your daddy’s beard balm, meat. Isaac told Grandpa the other day that all mommy wants to eat is rice and junk food. He wasn’t far from the truth. All that usually sounds good to me is rice. Eli doesn’t mind because rice is his favorite food. He and I are usually at the table sharing a bowl of rice at least once a day. I also hate to admit this, but yes junk food has been a weakness this time. I have had cravings for blueberry slump with vanilla ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. I told daddy about the cookie craving and the next day he brought home all the ingredients to make chocolate chips cookies. Your daddy is the best. I couldn’t ask for a better husband. When you meet him, you are going to love him and he is going to love you so much. You already have him wrapped around your tiny little finger. Outside of the nausea, food aversions, and food cravings, I’ve been feeling okay. Super tired some days and my joints and back hurt. But I don’t feel nearly as physically exhausted as I did with your brothers. Thank you for that. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
First and foremost, I want you to know how much I love you. From the minute I found out that mommy was pregnant I was so excited and happy. I can't wait to meet you and introduce you to your brothers Isaac and Elijah. When we told your brothers that there was a baby in mommy’s belly they we kind of unsure. But as they came to understand that they were getting a new sibling and possibly a sister they were so excited. They talk to you and rub mommy’s belly and give you hugs. Your brothers love you so much and they are so excited to meet you. We told them that you would be coming out on or near Eli’s birthday. Mommy and Daddy were so excited when we found out that we couldn’t keep it a secret. We told your brothers right away and then we told our family and friends. We took a bet with Isaac and Eli on whether you’d be a boy or a girl. The boys definitely think you will be a girl and are so excited to have a sister. Mommy and I bet them that you’d be a boy but deep down we both feel like God had blessed us with a little girl. Who ever lost the bet is going to have to buy dinner at Runza. Mommy definitely is having a harder time with your pregnancy than she did with your brothers. She threw up for the first time while being pregnant and has worse morning sickness than she’s had before. But your mommy is a trooper and incredibly strong and is taking all of this in stride. She would go through anything for you or your brothers. I’ve never met someone as incredible as your mother. Love, Daddy |
Friday, May 13, 2016
Dear Cutie Pie, Writing this down is hard, but I am worried about you, Cutie Pie. I just don’t feel right. Something has changed. I keep getting this horrible feeling. It started about a week ago. I had a feeling that something was wrong. I had just put your brothers down for a nap and was sitting down to work. I felt off. I thought maybe something bad had happened to you. If I am being perfectly honest, in my mind I said, “Cutie Pie just died.” I told myself that I was crazy. I brushed it off and prayed that I was wrong. Tonight, Daddy and I were lying in bed watching tv when I worked up the courage to ask him a question that had been on my mind for a week. I told him about the feeling I had and asked him if he thought I was crazy. He said that he thought everything was okay. I asked him why I hadn’t felt the baby move yet. I just did not feel right. The baby was not moving. I did not feel pregnant anymore. Daddy reassured me that at 9 weeks it is normal not to feel the baby move. Your brothers are movers and shakers. They have not stopped moving since they were conceived. On Isaac’s first ultrasound, he looked like he was on a trampoline. He bounced and bounced up and down the entire time. I felt Eli flutter around 10 weeks. I hope that you are just a calm baby. We can use a calm baby. Daddy said that he thought everything was going to be okay. I agreed, reluctantly, but continued to wonder why I hadn’t felt a flutter. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Baby,
Mommy told me that she hadn’t felt you move yet and asked if I thought we should be worried. She was 8-9 weeks along. I don’t exactly remember when your brothers started moving, but I told her that I thought it was still early and that I didn’t think there was anything to worry about right now. Being on the outside I don’t know what those first flutters feel like. Although I remember mommy telling me about them with your brothers, I don’t remember them as much as the first time I felt them kick. Love, Daddy |
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Hi Sweetheart, Today was the first Saturday in a long time that we had nothing planned. It was supposed to be a relaxing Saturday. I spent most of the morning feeling very nauseated. I could not look at any food without wanting to run and find a trash can. Even though morning sickness can be the bane of your existence, it is kind of reassuring that everything is going well with your baby. You suffer through the food aversions and intimacy with the toilet bowl to make sure that your baby is growing and developing. I thought this morning was just another episode of normal morning sickness. Your brothers woke up from their nap around 3:30 pm. It was at that point that I just felt wrong. I went to the bathroom and noticed a decent amount of blood and mucous on the tissue. I screamed, “Jonathan!”. He came running into the bathroom and sprang into action. Within minutes he had the boys ready and in the car. Your dad is the most amazing husband in the world. He would walk through fire for me, you, and your brothers without batting an eyelash. He sped down the road towards the hospital. Isaac was in the back asking question after question. Finally, I told him that you were sick and we needed to take you to the doctor to make sure that you were going to be okay. Isaac did not get upset or angry or seemed worried at all. He looked at me and asked, “Will the doctor have stickers?” I told him that I did not think this doctor had stickers. He said, “Well, I will need to find stickers. Cutie Pie will need stickers after she sees the doctor for being brave.” My heart sank and filled at the same moment. Daddy dropped me off at the front doors of the ER and went to park the car. I was greeted by the receptionist who got my information and informed the nurses. We waited for a few minutes until a nurse came to get us. We went into a small hospital room and I was given a gown. I climbed up on the bed and felt calm for the first time in an hour. I kept thinking that I just needed to see you and everything would be okay. The nurses started asking a thousand questions. I felt crazy and slightly embarrassed at all of the attention. I hate going to the doctor because I don’t like people making a fuss over me. I get nervous that the doctor might think I am making up symptoms. I am a fairly introverted person, so attention, even from a doctor, makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I tend to shy away from their questions, try not to ask for help, and underrepresent my pain and/or symptoms. Isaac, on the other hand, is bold and fearless. He walked right up to the nurse and said, “Cutie Pie needs a check up. Also, I was wondering if you had stickers. I need to find stickers for Cutie Pie.” The nurse smiled and got him stickers for himself, for Eli, and for Cutie Pie. I mean, who could resist those big blue eyes and brotherly love? Isaac walked over and told me to lift up my gown. He started putting stickers on my belly and telling Cutie Pie that everything was going to be okay. Eventually the doctor came in. She asked a smaller set of questions and told us her plan. She said that she was going to get a blood sample for a reference point and order an ultrasound. She said that she did not need to do a pelvic exam because it would not tell her anything more than the ultrasound. She left and the nurse came in to collect a blood sample. We were then left to wait for the ultrasound. We waited for about an hour, spending the time trying to keep your brothers entertained and fed. Daddy took them to find a vending machine and came back with BBQ chips, cookies, and M&Ms. I could see the sugar rush that was about to hit the hospital. Your brothers ate their snack, leaving half of it on the floor, and went crazy. Isaac climbed up and down and up and down on the chairs and the bed. Eli decided the privacy curtain was a shower curtain so he ran around pretending to strip down and take a shower. Daddy and I were trying to wrangle them and clean up after them while trying not to think about the reality of the situation. I tried to think about anything but what might happen in the next few minutes. The ultrasound tech came in right as your brothers were crashing. Eli was tired and hungry and sick. Isaac was confused and tired. They were hard to manage and hard to hold. The ultrasound tech wheeled my bed to her room. She checked orders, helped me get ready, and explained that she would need to check everything – ovaries, placenta, baby, cervix. As the ultrasound began, Daddy had to take the boys out of the room because they were having a lot of trouble sitting still…and being quiet…and basically everything except screaming. It was just me alone in a darkened room waiting to hear that you were okay, waiting to see your little head, your little hands, your little heart beating. The tech was more quiet than I have ever seen during an ultrasound. She warned me when there would be pressure, but said little else. She had the screen facing away from me so I couldn’t see you. She looked concerned, sighed and asked if I had had an ultrasound yet. I said that I had had one around ten days ago. She sighed and said okay. Then, she turned the screen towards me. She showed me a picture of you. I saw your little head and your little body. She said, “Here is your baby. Here is the head and here is the bottom.” My heart leaped in my chest. There you were. You were still there. I knew that everything was going to be okay. I just needed to see you. I needed to know you were still there. And there you were, still inside my tummy, safe and sound. But, then the ultrasound tech continued talking. She said, “Normally, we see a flickering light to show the heart beating and I just don’t see it. I am so sorry. I wish I had better news for you. I checked and checked and just did not find the heartbeat.” My body froze. Wait, this is not what I was here for. I had been to the ER with my older two children. Both times I was just dehydrated and the babies were fine. That had to be what was going on this time. I just needed water. I needed something. I needed my baby to move. Cutie Pie, move. Come on baby, you can do it. But you didn’t. You were still and silent. The ultrasound tech continued yet again, “The baby is measuring a little over 8 weeks, so it probably happened around then.” What happened? Wait, what? No, not that. NO! She was not telling me that you had died. She just wasn’t. You were there. I saw you. You are right there on the screen. No. No. No. No. NO! My mind immediately flashed to that instant on the couch when I felt that something was wrong. I cursed myself for that thought. Was that why you were gone? Did that thought cause you to leave me? Was it my fault? Did I cause this? What was going on? I will never forget that moment of sheer terror and despair. I have never felt so empty and alone in my life. I started at the screen for what seemed like an eternity, but was in reality only about 2 seconds. My little one, my dear dear baby, my Cutie Pie was gone. In that moment, a thousand things went through my head all at once. How do I tell your brothers? How do I explain that their Cutie Pie was not going to be coming home? How do I tell them that they were not going to get to hold you and feed you? How do I tell my family? How do I tell my friends? Am I an idiot for telling people before 12 weeks? I am such an idiot for posting a picture on social media. How in the world can you take that one back? People are going to judge me. I just want my husband. I just want my baby. Maybe she is wrong. What if she’s right? This is NOT what I am here for. Did I wish for this? If I hadn’t come in, would this still be happening? Did I do something wrong? Why did this happen? Why to me? Why to you, my Cutie Pie? Where is my husband? Where is your Daddy? What is going to happen next? Can they fix you? Can they help me? What the hell is happening?? Then the floodgates came. I cried so hard my entire body shook. I couldn’t catch my breath. I was sobbing, alone, in a darkened room. I needed my husband. I needed my baby. After a minute or so, the ultrasound tech asked if I wanted your Daddy and brothers to come back in. I nodded. She opened the door and Daddy raced in and grabbed me. Unbenounced to me, he had been locked out. He heard me wailing and could not do anything about it. He heard the sound of his wife mourning the loss of his baby and he could not get to me. We sobbed together in that room mourning the loss of you, my dear sweet one. We would never hold you, or kiss you, or feed you. We would never hear your newborn cry. We would miss all the firsts in your little life – first steps, first words, first everything. You were already gone and there was nothing I could do about it. What was I doing when you passed? I should have been holding you, comforting you, mothering you. I should have been with you. What was I doing? Was I cooking dinner, doing laundry, sleeping, watching tv? All things that I would have put on hold had I known. Why couldn’t I have known? How could I have gone ten days without knowing that you were no longer in my womb? I felt like a horrible mother. I did not protect you. I did not keep you safe. I promised that I would be there for you and I was not even there when you died. Physically yes, but I should have realized that something was wrong. Maybe I could have saved you. Maybe if I had been more aware, you could have been saved. Your brothers were so confused. Eli was just grumpy and wanted to leave. Isaac had never seen Mommy and Daddy cry like that before. As soon as we walked in, he started yelling, “Mommy, what did you do?” Daddy tried to compose himself and said, “Mommy didn’t do anything honey. Cutie Pie went to live with Jesus in Heaven.” He did not understand. He kept asking questions and demanding explanations. He yelled at me, “Grown ups don’t cry.” I managed to say, “Oh yes they do.” If only we could all have the sheer determination of a three year old. I wanted answers to. I wanted to scream and yell and demand that someone tell me why this was happening. But I didn’t. I just sobbed into Daddy’s shirt. After what seemed like an eternity, I was wheeled back into my room. The nurses came in with information and consolation. I was in a daze. I still was unsure of what was happening. I had not fully comprehended that you were gone. I was still hoping that someone was going to tell me that everything was fine. I looked at all of the paperwork and thought, “Why are you giving me information on coping with a miscarriage? What is this? I don’t need this. I’m not having a miscarriage. Don’t give this to me. I don’t want this packet.” The nurse began telling me that she has also had a miscarriage. What did she mean by also? I had not had a miscarriage before. She told me that the hospital offers a very good memorial service once a year for families of miscarried babies. She said they also provide cremation services and have a mass burial for all pre-term and miscarried infants. The nurses continued to talk at me and I stopped listening. They were throwing all kinds of information at me. Everything is one big blur to me right now. I remember the moment I saw you on the ultrasound as vividly as if I were there now. However, I have no idea what happened after that. The doctor came in and explained that they plan was likely that I was going to be released and sent home with pain medication to miscarry at home. Then, I was to see my OB on Monday to make a plan. Then it hit me. Your little tiny body was still inside me. I was still carrying you. But you had to come out. They were going to take you out. A nurse showed me the medication list and I almost screamed, “You can’t take hydrocodone while pregnant!”. Then, I understood. I was no longer pregnant. Yet, I was. I was simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant all at the same time. I still have my baby belly. I still look pregnant. Your sweet tiny frame is still in my womb. But you are gone. The little person inside my belly that was going to light up our lives was no longer with me. My entire body felt dead, numb. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. And why did the nurses and doctors keep talking. I just needed them to shut up. Stop talking. Give me a minute to digest this. Give me a minute to think or stop thinking actually. And eventually they did. Daddy and the boys and I snuggled in the hospital bed waiting for the next step. Eli only lasted a few seconds before jumping off the bed, but Isaac, my sweet little Isaac, held me like he was trying to protect me from the world. He rubbed my back and rubbed my face. He repeated over and over, “Everything is going to be okay mama.” My heart was broken over the loss of you, but my heart broke even further to think that my children lost their sibling. My little Isaac is only three years old and he has to somehow comprehend that his Cutie Pie is never going to come home. My heart aches for him and all he is thinking about is me. He just wanted to comfort his mother in her time of need. Every big moment in my life has been quickly followed by a rush of phone calls to spread my happy news. The night that Daddy asked me to marry him, the day we told our family that we were having Isaac and Eli, the gender reveal for Isaac and Eli, every happy moment. This was the worst moment in my life, but I felt compelled to tell my family. I assume that everyone has a different way to deal with loss. Some people retreat into themselves and keep others away. I wanted nothing more than to shout my despair to the world. I needed family. I needed friends. I needed people. I called Grandma Patty and Grandpa Jamie who immediately raced to the hospital. I texted several good friends and asked for prayers. I was unable to think, let alone pray so I asked others to pray for me. This is a text to my dear friend in the hospital room. *So I need prayers now more than ever. I’m at Women’s hospital now. We just lost the baby and I can’t even explain how much pain I’m in. And all I can think is maybe prayer will help but I can’t pray. I’m furious with God. How could he take my baby? How could he do this to my little guys who were so excited for their baby sister? How do I explain it to them? They had to watch me sob and sob and they don’t know why. I need my baby back. I am sorry to send this in a message but I haven’t been able to talk for an hour and I just want to scream and scream." Grandma Patty and Grandpa Jamie came into the room and immediately wrapped me and Daddy up in their arms. We all held each other and cried for the loss of you, for the devastation inside, for your brothers’ loss of a sibling, for the loss of a grandchild, for the loss of a child. As a mother suffering the loss of a baby, it is easy to assume that no one else feels the same way that you do. It is easy to assume that you are the only one hurting. You are the one being poked and prodded by doctors. You are the one in physical pain. But you are not the only one in emotional pain. Seeing others cry for your loss is eye opening and comforting. It lets you know that you are not alone in this. It lets you know that your pain is valid, that your pain is real. It lets you know that this all means something and you have people to lean on. Your brothers had started to get tired and hungry, so Grandma and Grandpa took them home for dinner and bed. Daddy and I stayed to wait for further instructions and to meet with a Chaplain. We laid in bed, holding each other and crying. The Chaplain arrived after around 30 minutes of waiting. He came in and provided the signature greeting of, “I’m sorry for your loss.” What do you say to that? Yeah, me too? Thank you? No you’re not? Nothing? I’ve been struggling with how to respond to that statement. Most of the time I say thank you, because I don’t feel comfortable saying nothing. We thanked him for coming and he stammered to know what to say next. He gave us a pile of information, at the top of which was a list of funeral homes. I was dumbfounded. Why was he giving me a list of funeral homes? What did I need that for? Then, the reality of the situation hit me. You were gone. You had passed away. You, my Cutie Pie, were in need of a final resting place. I broke down. Yesterday I was planning your homecoming outfit, today I was going to have to plan your funeral. This was not how it was supposed to be. After praying with the Chaplain for a few minutes, we received our discharge instructions. We were to go home and hope that the process began naturally and see my OB on Monday. Daddy and I walked out of the hospital, not knowing what to do with ourselves. Daddy suggested we stop by church and go to adoration. I reluctantly agreed, even though I was furious with Jesus. We entered the chapel and knelt in front of the Eucharist. The floodgates opened. All the emotions, all the questions, all the anger and sadness flooded out of my body. I cried and silently screamed at Jesus. I asked him why He had to take my baby. I asked him why me, why this baby, why did He need my baby. I told him that she was MY baby, that I wasn’t done being her mom. I asked him why why why He took my baby. I screamed SHE WAS MINE. When my thoughts finally quieted, I heard a small voice say, “No, she was always mine.” My body froze. Immediately I saw the faces of my first two children. I heard them call me mommy. I realized that they were gifts from God. While I called them my children and I called myself their mom, they are not mine. They are God’s. God entrusted me with their care for as long as he deemed appropriate. I feel eternally blessed that He has chosen me as their mother and has allowed me to raise them as His children. You, my dear, are His child too. While I carried you for 10 weeks, you were always and forever a child of God’s. I will always be your mother, but you are now with your eternal Father. I am trying to calm the selfishness inside me. I am trying to remember that you are in a better place, that you will never feel pain, that you will only and forever know peace and happiness. I am trying to realize that you are better off in heaven with Jesus than with me. It is a hard thing to understand, that God knows better than I do. That God is sovereign. I feel broken, but God’s will is perfect. As your mother, I am happy for you that you are in heaven with Jesus. I am sad for myself and I will miss you terribly, but you are where you are meant to be. We got home just as your brothers were falling asleep. I ran upstairs and crawled into Isaac’s bed. I laid there silently and held him, my first little miracle. I thanked God for him and for Eli. I prayed that God would spare him from the pain and suffering I was feeling. After awhile, I came back downstairs. Grandpa Jamie and Grandma Patty were folding our laundry. I am eternally thankful for all of their help during these trying times. I sat down to help and immediately realized that I had been in the middle of folding your diapers when we left for the hospital. I saw the tiny little newborn cloth diapers on the floor. I washed them before we left and was getting them ready to put in the nursery. It was all I could do not to break down. I am ashamed at what I did next. I asked Daddy to get a plastic grocery sack. I shoved all of the diapers and inserts into the sack, tied it, took it upstairs. I just couldn’t bear to look at them. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
On the weekend of May 14 we didn’t have anything to do. Isaac and Eli had a sleepover at Grandma Patty and Grandpa Jamie's on Friday night. Neither one of them slept well and they were both a little tired and cranky. They went down for a nap around 1 pm and Mommy and Daddy relaxed and hung out. I think I fell asleep for a little while. Mom went to get Eli first because he pooped in his pants and then Eli and I snuggled and watched golf for a little bit. Isaac came down around 3 o'clock and was still a little sleepy. Mommy went to the bathroom around 3:30 and called for me. She had started to bleed a little bit. She said that we needed to go to the emergency room and I said okay, let’s go. We got the boys ready to go. They asked where we were going and we said that we though Cutie Pie was sick and needed to take her to the doctor. We had been to the ER with both of your brothers so we were cautiously optimistic that everything was fine. We had just turned onto 168th street when Isaac asked “when we’re done at the doctor can Cutie Pie get a sticker?” At that moment I almost started crying. Looking back on it, that was the moment that I knew that everything was not going to be okay. We got to the hospital as fast as we could and we dropped mommy off at the front door and the boys and I parked. We went in and mommy was still checking us in. They called us back a little later and the nurse came in. Isaac asked her if they had stickers for Cutie Pie and she said she did have some stickers and brought 3 sets back, one for Isaac one for Eli and one for Cutie Pie. Isaac first wanted to put the stickers on mommy’s belly for you. The picture above is Isaac putting on your stickers. Isaac is the most caring and compassionate and loving person that I know. If not for him I don’t know how we would have gotten through the next couple of hours. A little bit later the ultrasound technician came to get mommy and she wheeled the whole bed back to the ultrasound suite. The boys and I followed behind and we told them we were going to get to see pictures of Cutie Pie again (they had come with us to your first doctors appointment on May 4). It was very difficult for your brothers to sit still and shortly after the ultrasound started I had to take them out in the hall because they were not acting very nicely. I just got to see a glimpse of you on the screen before we want outside. We waited in the hall and we were ready to go back in but I realized that the door was locked back to the room. At that point I thought that I heard mommy crying and when the ultrasound tech came out I could see mommy sobbing. My blood froze and I ran in to give mommy hugs and hold her. I started crying and couldn’t stop. Isaac asked what was going on and what happened. I told him that our Cutie Pie was now up in heaven with Jesus. That Cutie Pie wasn’t going to be coming out of mommy’s belly. We were absolutely devastated and lost. Our one solace and comfort was knowing that you were in heaven with Jesus and Mary and all of the saints. Looking upon the face of God and basking in his glory. In total and complete union with him and overflowing with his love. You are partaking in his beautific vision. That is our goal as parents and a family. We are supposed to build each other up and get each other to heaven. It is so hard to reconcile the fact that you were taken from us before we ever got to hold you and snuggle you and give you hugs and kisses. But I know that you are in heaven with Jesus, and there is no better spot to be. I long for the day that we get to meet you in heaven. You have to promise to show us around. This gives us so much more incentive to be true to our faith and live and follow the example of Christ our Lord and Savior so that one day we can be reunited in heaven. After Mommy and Daddy cried lots and lots we said we were ready to go back to the room. The ultrasound tech wheeled mommy and I don’t remember if I carried the boys or they walked next to me. I could hardly see through my tears. We got back to the room and were still trying to understand what happened and come to terms with what happened. A little while later when we had pulled it together enough to talk Mommy called her dad and told him what happened. She asked him to come to the hospital. I called my parents and told them what happened and they told me that they’d be praying for us and were there to talk or for anything else we needed. At that point we didn’t know what we needed besides Jesus. Mommy called Father Dan Kampschneider, our priest, and asked if we could meet with him tomorrow (Sunday). On the way home we had to go to the pharmacy and pick up some medicine for Mommy. After that I asked Mommy if we could stop and see Jesus in adoration at church. She said yes and we drove there. Mommy went in first and I went and grabbed some tissues. I prayed to God for comfort and healing for our family. I also prayed for you, Cutie Pie that you were experiencing the glory of heaven with Jesus. I’ve always kind of had a blind faith where whatever happens I trust in Jesus and his will. I don’t always understand or agree but deep down I accept it. I pray that God can bring something good out of our unbelievable pain and sadness. I thank God that we have a special advocate in heaven and you better believe that we are going to ask for your intercession and prayers every single day. We are going to raise your brothers and future siblings to know and love you. You may be in heaven but we are all one body in Christ and Christ has won the final victory over death. After we walked out of adoration Mommy turned to me about half way through the parking lot and said that she had been yelling at Jesus and asking him why he took her baby, that that was HER baby. She said that she heard Jesus say, “No, she was always mine”. I started sobbing when Mommy said this, it just struck me that we are raising God’s children and we are just partaking in creation. Ultimately we all belong to God and we’re all created in his image and likeness. We were lucky enough to have you for the short time that we did and I will be forever grateful for that time. Cutie Pie, I would say that I love you more than you will every know but since you are in heaven with Jesus I think you have a pretty good idea of this. I love you so much and will think of you every day of my life. There will always be a whole in my heart left by this, but the pain and suffering will make our reunion so much sweeter. There are no words to tell you how much I miss you and love you. Mommy asked me if I think it will ever get easier and if we’ll ever get over losing you and I realized that I don’t want to. I won’t be over it until I get to meet you in heaven where God will wipe away all of our tears. The Hail Holy Queen prayer captures my mood and feelings quite well and I am praying to Mary and Jesus for their comfort and prayers. "Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry poor banished children of eve, to thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears…“ I entrust you into the tender and loving embrace of Mary who is not only Jesus’s mother but ours as well. I miss you so much. When mommy and I got home from adoration Grandpa Jamie and Grandma Patty were over. We came right upstairs to see your brothers and tell them good night. Mommy was snuggling with Isaac and then I crawled into Isaac’s bed after mommy and was crying. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that is was sad and missed Cutie Pie. He told me that he was sad too. I told him that it is okay to be sad and miss our Cutie Pie. He proceeded to tell me that teacher Harriot from Daniel Tiger says that it’s okay to be sad sometimes. He gave me a big hug and kiss and said it’s okay. You have a pretty awesome big brother! I love you so much Cutie Pie!!! Daddy |
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Hi Honey, Today was a blur. I know we went to church. I know I cried through mass. I remember that my dear, sweet friend gave me a single white rose and cried with me after mass. It’s hard to remember the details of the day. We met with our priest who gave us consolation and led us in prayer. We also went to a local nursery and bought a white rose bush for you. Your brothers helped us plant in in the back yard. Isaac calls it Cutie Pie’s plant. He helped dig the hole, plant it, and he watered it all by himself. You would have been proud of your big brother. We will watch it grow and remember you every day. The rest of the day was spent in a daze. I took my pain medicine which made me feel dizzy, tired, and hazy. I remember feeling a great sense of confliction because your little body was still in my womb. I wanted to protect you from the outside world. I wanted to keep you inside and never let you out. I knew that as soon as you came out I would never get you back. But I also wanted this entire situation to be over. I knew that your soul was in heaven, so the thought that your little body was still inside was making me want to rip myself in half. I felt like a horrible mother for wanting you to come out. I felt guilty for wanting it to be over. It was one of the most mentally and emotionally challenging days of my life. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Today is Sunday and it’s been about 12 hours since we found out that you were no longer with us. We did not sleep well last not. We met with Father Dan after church today. We are lucky to have such a caring and compassionate priest at our parish. He assured us that you were in heaven with Jesus. We prayed for you and for our whole family. For healing and hope. I don’t know if today was harder or easier than yesterday. When I woke up this morning and realized that you were gone it all came rushing back. I sat in the shower and just cried and cried. I couldn’t hold it back. Your brothers are such a blessing because they help bring Mommy and me back to the present and Isaac tries so hard to make us feel better and be happy. He was making his sad monkey face at me in church trying to get me to laugh but I just couldn’t. One thing that struck me during mass, especially after reading Scott Hahn's The Lamb's Supper is that at mass and especially at communion that heaven and earth join. Not only is Jesus present, but so are all the angels and saints. As we were walking up to communion I started crying. When we got back to the pew both Mommy and I were crying. Mommy told me that when we went home that she wanted to buy a white rose bush for you, something to remember you by. I told her I thought that was a great idea. We did just that and planted it this afternoon. We all helped and your brothers watered it. It’s our cutie pie flower, and white roses will now forever and always remind me of you. Every time I think about you I realize again that I’ll never get to hold and snuggle my Cutie Pie, I’ll never get to touch your soft baby skin and nuzzle you and wrap you up in a big hug. My heart breaks every time I think about this. I won’t be able to meet you and get to know you until heaven. Warm baby snuggles are the best thing in the whole wide world. I also keep thinking about all of the firsts that we’ll miss. We went out to eat tonight because we don’t have any food in the house and we got ice cream afterwards. We went to the place where Isaac had his first ice cream and it took me about 2 hours to finally tell Mommy how thinking about this made me want to cry. Your brothers don’t get to grow up with you, but way down I know they have such a strong advocate for them in heaven. They may not get to run and play and goof off with you but they get to pray to you and talk to you in heaven. Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day because we have to go to Mommy's OB. The nurse told us that if Mommy didn’t miscarry at home that she’d need to have a procedure to remove you. We talked to Father Dan about what we do with your tiny little body. I think that Mommy and I both knew that we wanted to give you a proper and respectful burial. At the hospital they said they cremate the remains and have a mass burial location but this was abhorrent to me. This was not right and I wanted no part in that. Father Dan referred us to Calvary Catholic cemetery and said they have a special burial place for unborn babies. He said that he or Father Kevin or any of the deacons would have a small service for us. I think this is what Mommy and I are going to do, not only will it give you a dignified final resting place in blessed ground but will God willing provide some comfort and closure for us. I have never felt such a crushing and complete loss and I just want to scream over and over that I miss you and love you! Love, Daddy |
Monday, May 16, 2016
At 3:30 this morning, I felt like I was going into labor. I was having contractions every few minutes and terrible back pain. Your brothers woke up around 7:00 am and by that time, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t talk and I couldn’t stand. Daddy was worried so he told me that we were going to the ER. We dropped your brothers off at Grandpa and Grandma’s house and we went into the ER. The nurse asked about pain and I just started sobbing. She asked if I was experiencing a lot of cramping. It hurt like I was in labor. I remember this feeling. It wasn’t cramping. They were contractions. Only they change the vocabulary to try to make it easier. Cramping is code for contraction. Tissue is code for baby. Passing tissue is code for giving birth. Miscarriage is code for delivery of a baby who will never be. I remember how much pain I was in when I had your brothers. But I also remember that I was willing to go through that pain to meet my baby. This time was different. I knew what was happening. I knew that you would be out soon. But I wouldn’t get to hold you. I wouldn’t get to nurse you. I did not know what they would do with you. I cried from pain and I cried from sadness. I cried because the pain felt meaningless, like it was a punishment. I was in labor and would not come home with a baby. Grandma Amy arrived to be there with me. She held me and cried with me. She told me that everything was going to be okay. The nurse gave me a heat pack and found the doctor. The doctor said that she needed to contact my OB to see what the plan was. I waited, laboring, for the plan that the doctor had for me. What about my plan? My plan was to carry you to term and take you home to live with me. When that plan ended, my OB took over the planning. The doctor came back and told me that they would treat my pain so that I could make it to my appointment with my OB at 12:15. They put in an IV and gave me medicine for the pain, IV fluid, and medicine for nausea. I was finally given some relief from the pain. I remembered the relief that I felt after my epidural with your brothers. I laughed and laughed because it was the first time I had felt comfort in months. Being pregnant is hard on your body. Labor is even harder. The feeling of relief from discomfort and pain is a blessing that is shortly followed by the appearance of another blessing in the form of your child. Today, the relief was followed by despair. I knew that it was almost over. I knew that in a matter of hours, I would be a single person again. No longer carrying another within me. It was heartbreaking. Finally, the doctor came in and asked how my pain was. I told her that physically I was doing fine. She approved my release from the ER so that I could make my appointment with my OB. We walked through the hospital to the clinic. We sat in the waiting room looking for distractions. We talked about the television show absentmindedly. We scrolled through Facebook and Pinterest, not actually reading what was on the screen. We waited. A nurse called me back and took my vitals. She explained the my OB would be in soon to discuss options. Options. Make a plan. I didn’t care anymore. I was worn out, exhausted, emotionally numb. I just wanted it to be over. The guilt built in my heart, but I just could not take much more. When my OB arrived, she explained that there are three options. The first would be to go home and wait and do nothing. That my body could just do what needed to be done naturally. The second option would be to give me some medicine to speed things along. The third option would be to schedule an operating room and perform a D&C, which would mean anesthesia and surgical removal of all contents of my uterus. She told me that she would do an examination and then we could decide. You, my dear, will never have the experience of a pelvic exam. That is one blessing of this whole situation. It is one of the most uncomfortable situations a woman can go through – physically, emotionally, and socially. You have to pretend that someone is not looking up your you-know-what and trying to have a conversation with you. It also hurts like a son-of-a-bitch, excuse my language. I have had my fair share of pelvic exams and I have given birth. I know pain. I’ve experienced pain before. This hurt worse than that. She began the exam and I felt pressure. Well, she called it pressure. I called is agony. I knew she had to check to make sure that I was physically okay. Then, I saw her push the call light. A nurse came in and my OB asked for some medical equipment. Then I heard her say, “I might need some help here.” Then there was pain like I had not experienced before. She said, “Oh, here is the tissue right here. I’m going to try to get that out for you.”. The tissue? She meant my baby. She meant Cutie Pie. She meant you. She was taking you out right then. She was the one who had been there to safely see all of my children’s entrance into the world. She was doing that again right now. I was not expecting that you would be out right now. I was in so much physical pain that I couldn’t cry. It felt like she was cutting and scraping you out of my body. It was all I could do to stay still and keep breathing. Finally, she was done and she put you in the sink. She put my baby in the sink. My baby…in the sink. I sat up and lost all control of my emotions. I crumbled into Daddy and sobbed until there were no more tears. My OB asked if I was crying from the pain or because I was really sad. All I could do was shake my head no. She let me cry and squeezed my foot. Daddy just held me, trying to protect me from the world. Finally, I regain composure and my OB asked if I had any questions. I somehow stammered, “Is my baby in there?” She said, “No. When you think of a baby, you think fingers and toes and a face. That is not what that is. All you would see is tissue. It’s not what you think of when you think of a baby.” I was appalled. I did not ask if there was a fully formed infant in the sink. I asked if you, my Cutie Pie, were there. I understood that you were not fully developed. I just wanted to know where you were. My OB answered other questions, although I have no idea what we talked about for the most part. I know we decided to go with option 2. I would go home with medicine and try to pass the rest of the “tissue”. We asked if she was going to do any testing. She told us that there would be no way to test the tissue since you had been gone for almost two weeks. We also asked if there was any way to find out the gender. She said that they could do a chromosomal analysis but it would be very expensive. We decided that since your brothers were so adamant you were a girl, that we would believe them. We have learned not to question those little guys. Finally, we asked what was going to happen to your little body. I had a feeling that they were going to throw you away. A friend of mine explained that state law states that until 20 weeks gestation, all miscarried "tissue" is considered medical waste. The nurse said that the hospital offered a free cremation service and had a mass burial plot for all the pre-term infants. Daddy and I were very uncomfortable with that idea. We wanted you to have your own plot. We needed you to be remembered with dignity. We asked if they would perform the cremation and provide us with the remains. The nurse said that they were unable to do that, so we simply asked for your remains to be sent home with us. Our OB and nurse were confused by the request. Our OB initially said that there would be no way to tell what was tissue and what was blood clot. We asked her to look anyway. Within two seconds, she found you. Fully formed inside the little sac. We thanked God that we would be able to give you a proper burial. We also thanked God that we would have some sort of closure. Our OB put you inside a specimen cup and then inside a white paper sack. We were discharged with instructions to come back in a week for a blood draw and to come back in four weeks for an exam. My OB told us to go home, get some take out, and told us that it is never too early to start drinking. Again, I almost started yelling, “I’m pregnant! I can’t drink.” Then, it hit me all over again. I am going to have to push reset on my way of thinking. Everything that I have been planning. Everything that I have been avoiding. Everything that I have been excited for. Everything needs to be reset. We left the clinic and entered the waiting room. The receptionist looked up and cheerily asked, “Need another appointment?” I had been there many times before with a healthy growing baby. I was always excited to go make my next appointment. This time it took all my strength just to shake my head no. We left to pick up my medicine and go home. I carried you out with shaking hands. All I could think was – You should carry your baby out of the hospital in a car seat not a white paper sack. |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Today was the day that we had to go back to the hospital for our appointment with Mommy's OB. Mommy and I both slept a little better last night although we were up several times during the night. Normally, when you wake up from a bad dream you realize that everything is okay, but it’s been the exact opposite that last two days. I wake up and realize that I have a gaping hole in my heart. We had to call the doctor in the morning and the first time I got an message saying they didn’t open until 8:00. I called back at 8:00 and had to leave a message for the nurse. She called back about 30 minutes later. We had an appointment for 12:30. We started to get ready and Mommy started having really bad cramping and labor pains. I asked her if she should just go to the hospital now and she said she was fine, but when the next contraction hit I asked again and she said let’s go. I had texted Grandpa Jamie and asked him if we could bring your brothers over because Mommy was in a lot of pain and we were going to go to the hospital now. Her pain level was at about a 10 out of 10. She took Vicodin and Ibuprofen to try and reduce the pain but they didn’t do much. We took the boys over to Grandma Patty and Grandpa Jamie's and I ran them inside and then we were off to the hospital. It felt a lot like when we went to the hospital before Eli was born. But mommy and I both knew that this time was going to be very different. We weren’t going to walk out of the hospital with our little bundle of joy. We were not going to get to meet our baby or get nice warm snuggles. You were already in heaven but your tiny little body was still inside of mommy. We got to the hospital and Grandma Amy was there. They took Mommy back to the same room in which we were in on Saturday and all of those painful memories came flooding back. I almost asked if we could have a different room. They started an IV and gave Mommy fluids and some pain medicine and anti-nausea medicine in the IV. It helped a lot and the painful contractions she was experiences got much less painful. They released us from the ER around 11:30 and said we could walk over to the clinic for our appointment with Mommy's OB. The doctor came in and we talked. She explained what was going on as far as the cramping and what the process would be like. She told us that the best course of action would be for it to happen naturally, but that there was some medicine that would induce cramping and help the process along. She said that the last option would be a procedure to remove all of the endometrial tissue but that this had to be done under general anesthesia which we wanted to avoid. She examined Mommy and said that there was a lot of “tissue” and clots and she said she was going to remove them since they were right there. She called a nurse because she needed some other instruments. Mommy and I were very concerned and anxious to see your tiny little body. The doctor and nurses kept telling us that there was nothing to see and calling it “tissue”. You were not just “tissue”, you were never just “tissue”. From the moment of your conception you were a human, created in the image and likeness of God, just like the rest of us. I kept getting more and more mad at everyone for referring to you as just “tissue”. She told us, “it’s not like there’ll be arms and legs that you’ll see.” Mommy and I knew this but we knew that your tiny little body was there and we wanted it to be treated with the respect and dignity that it deserved. After the doctor finished she put the pad and the instruments in the sink. Mommy started crying uncontrollably and I just held her. While this has been difficult for me, I can not imagine how much more difficult it has been for mommy. Having to go through labor even though you were already gone, knowing that we would never get to take you home, or introduce you to your brothers. Your Mother is a warrior and the strongest and most loving person I have ever known. God gave you such an incredible Mother and I hope that you can see that from Heaven. Please prayer for Mommy’s (and all of our) healing. The doctor talked to us a little more and asked if we had any questions. Mommy asked if there was any tissue to test or to determine if you were a boy or a girl. She said there wasn’t and that she couldn’t really tell the difference between you and the clots. She said even if she could it would take genetic testing to determine your sex. After the doctor left we went over to the sink and looked at the pad with the “tissue” in it. We knew we weren’t going to see a fully formed baby in the sink but we had a feeling that you were on that pad. A nurse from the bereavement team came in and asked how mommy was doing and took her blood. We asked her again if the doctor had removed you during the procedure and that we wanted to bury you. She said that she would talk to the doctor and tell her our concerns and wishes. The doctor came back in a little later and we told her we wanted your tiny little body to bury. She said she wasn’t sure she could distinguish it but when she finally took the 2 seconds to look she found you. She made it sound like it would be impossible but she found you right away. It made me upset because she didn’t have the respect to take a look for two seconds until we asked several times. Every life is important and every body should be treated with the dignity and respect that it deserves. We were able to take you tiny little body home with us and we contacted a funeral home by our house and told them what we were going through. We told them we weren’t sure what we needed and what to really even do. They said they would donate an infant casket for you and that they would call the cemetery. We are going to bury you at Calvary Catholic Cemetery. They have a special spot for unborn babies and young children. I called the parish office and told them that I needed to talk to Father Dan. I told him that we would like him to hold the service for us. Burying one of your children is never something that crosses your mind, especially burying your child before you ever get to meet them. I miss you so much. Tomorrow we have to take your tiny little body to the funeral home and go down to Calvary Catholic Cemetery. I know that tomorrow and the next days will be incredibly hard but I pray that this will help give us a little closure and comfort. I know that you have a lot of family in heaven with you. I love you forever and for always, Daddy |
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
I did the dishes this morning and it made me cry. Not for the normal reason that it might make someone cry, out of sheer frustration at the amount of cleaning that is required with crazy little boys. No, this time was different. I haven’t been able to even look at the laundry or the dishes. The house is a disaster. But every time I think about cleaning, it seems so trivial to me. I feel like if I empty the dishwasher that things are going back to normal. Like if I start cleaning, getting back into my routine, that it is like I am forgetting you. Like this experience did matter. I know that is not true and I know that I will clean the house. It needs to be done. Luckily, Daddy is amazing and picks up the slack whenever I am sick or out of commission. I am lucky to have such a wonderful husband. You are lucky to have such a wonderful Daddy. Daddy has been doing all the cleaning for the past few days. I feel guilty for having him do it. So this morning, I emptied the dishwasher. I asked the doctor was to expect in the next few days. She said that I might experience cramping that will feel a lot like labor pains. I might pass clumps of tissue and clots. I might have heavy bleeding. I might be tired. I will be sad. I was prepared for all of that. I was not prepared for the smell. She said that the bleeding would be exactly like a heavy period. It was not. It was like the bleeding that I experienced after I gave birth to your brothers. Smell is a powerful memory aid. It takes you right back. The first time I changed my maxi pad this morning was horrible. The smell hit me and I was right back to the hospital after I gave birth to Isaac. I was right back to the hospital after my C-Section with Eli. I realized, I just gave birth. This was exactly the same, but also very different. It was not a period. Not at all. Before we left to run our errands, Daddy asked me if I had any clothes that needed to go to the dry cleaner. Your funeral is tomorrow and Daddy wants to make sure his suit looks nice for you. I went upstairs to look for something to wear. I just stood in my closet. Something that they don’t generally tell you about childbirth is that you go home still looking pregnant. After I had your brothers, I was always a little taken aback by my post-baby baby-belly. I should have known this time that it would be the same, but I didn’t think about it. Getting dressed this morning, I put on normal clothes and they didn’t fit. I wore clothes that looked horrible on me because I couldn’t bear to put on my maternity clothes. What was I going to wear tomorrow? I didn’t fit into my normal dresses and I didn’t want to wear maternity clothes. So I stood there. Staring. Finally I gave up and went downstairs. I would figure it out tomorrow. The rest of today was exhausting. I have not slept in days. Your little body went to the funeral home today. The funeral director showed us your casket and teeny tiny baby blanket that will go inside. He explained what he will do with your little body. He was very kind and I feel that his job can’t be easy. Despite the difficultness of the situation, he somehow made it easier. We also met with someone at the cemetery. They explained where you will be and we picked out your grave stone. There will be a picture of Jesus holding an infant on the top little baby shoes on the bottom. You are going to be buried in a location that is specifically for unborn infants. Your gravestone will have your name on it, which is Elizabeth Ann, by the way. We did give you a real name. However, in my heart you will always be Cutie Pie. It will also have your beloved nickname, Cutie Pie, and the day that you entered and left the world – May 16, 2016. Daddy and I have given a lot of thought into your name as well as the names of your brothers. We did not just pick names that we liked, the names have a special significance to us. Isaac - I have a hard time trusting in God. I believe in God and I believe in His sovereignty. However, letting myself trust in His will is difficult. I would prefer to make my own plans. When we were pregnant with Isaac, we decided that God's will for our children will be better than our own. We prayed about his name and decided on Isaac. In the Bible, Abraham was asked to offer his only son, Isaac, as a sacrifice to the Lord. He did it without question. However, at the last minute God provided an alternate sacrifice and allowed Isaac to be spared. We decided that was a perfect image of our relationship with God. We were putting our children in God's hands and would allow him to decide the path for them. Elijah - When we had Eli, our country was beginning to become less and less moral. The Christian presence in our country is being slowly eliminated. We wanted our children to be the fire in the darkness. In the Bible, Elijah was a prophet who led the way for Jesus. He spoke openly and honestly about his faith. We named Eli after the prophet Elijah in hopes that our children would be strong in their faith and willing to stand up for what is right. Elizabeth Ann - My confirmation Saint is Elizabeth Ann Seton. She was known as an extrodinary mother, widowed at an early age and left to care for her children. I wanted your namesake to be someone in heaven that I know has a heart for children. Someone who I could imagine welcoming you with open arms. Someone who would give you the motherly warmth and love that I am not able to. I love imagining Saint Elizabeth Ann cradling you in her arms in the presence of the Lord. It is a beautiful sight and I am thankful for the comfort it provides. Finally we stopped at a local supermarket for a few groceries, for lunch, and most of all to order you flowers for your funeral tomorrow. I know that no one in the grocery store knew what was going on. I know they truly had no idea. I know that if they did, they would have acted differently or spoken differently or avoided us altogether. However, they all still pissed me off. I saw people smiling and laughing and shopping for milk. I was screaming in my head, "how can you all be so happy? How can you all be so focused on freaking milk? Who really cared about the price of milk right now? How can you not be screaming too?" Every person who told me to have a nice day, every person who smiled at me, every person who acted as though it was just another day, they all pissed me off. I tried to tell myself that they didn’t know. I tried to forgive them for doing absolutely nothing, but I couldn’t stand it. I just wanted to run out of the store before I punched someone in the face. After such a heavy morning, we decided that your brothers needed to have some fun. Guilt swelled in my heart. I know that it is okay to go on with my life, but there is still a large part of me that feels that if I laugh or am happy again that I am dishonoring you. I feel that if I move on, that you will be forgotten. That if I am not sad, that I’m not being a good mother to you. However, I have two other children who need a mother as well, so I will put on my happy face and trudge through the sadness. We took your brothers golfing this afternoon. The fresh air was clarifying for my soul. It felt good to be outside. Your brothers had a good time and needed the break from the heaviness of this week. They are still little and this has been hard on them. I know that you will be looking down on them as they grow and watching as they turn into the men that I hope they become. Please pray for them, my dear sweet Cutie Pie, so that they will know Jesus as intimately as you do one day. Please pray for your daddy and me as well. That we can heal and become closer to Jesus as a result of this experience. They have been the only way that Daddy and I have made it through the past few days. Eli continues to be a little goofball, making everybody just shake their heads at his orneriness. Isaac has made it his mission to make us laugh and smile. If he isn’t snuggling with us he is making silly faces. His signature face is called his ‘sad monkey face’. I have seen that face about 1000 times in the last few days. Finally, I found your onsie tonight. The one with the little dinosaur on it. It was in my closet with your brothers ‘big and biggest big brother’ shirts. I wasn’t sure what to do with them. Do I return them? Do I keep them for the next baby? Do I pack them away? The decision was heart wrenching. I don’t think I’ll be able to use it for the next baby without feeling guilt and longing for you. After discussing it with Daddy, we decided to return your brother’s shirts and turn your onesie into a teddy bear. We found someone who could sew and asked her to help us. Tomorrow is your burial, my little one. It is going to be hard, but I feel so very blessed that you will have a final resting place. I hope to see you again one day in heaven. Until then, I will visit your grave often and think of you always. I love you my dear. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Today was another difficult day filled with tears and sadness. I had my weekly holy hour this morning at 4:00 am. I prayed for you and for our family and I looked for some resources or books of other father’s going through the loss of a pre term baby. I found a book titled Anne Among Us. It was a father’s story of his and his wife’s loss of their child at around the same time Mommy and I lost you. Although the circumstances were different it was comforting to read and understand another Father’s emotions and understand that I was not alone in my grief. He said something that really impacted me. He described how he and his family only had about 60 days with their child but the impact that child made on their family in that time was immense. He described he longing to know his child and what she was like. I too feel that same deep longing and desire. I never knew my Grandpa Hein, he died in 1971. I’ve always felt a gap in my life for not knowing him. I wanted to know the man who made my father what he was. When I got home, I got back in to bed and just held Mommy. My love language is physical touch and I cannot get enough hugs and kisses and snuggles. There is nothing better than my family's warm and loving embrace. I cannot begin to describe what it feels like to know that I will never get to kiss your pretty little cheeks, or hold you tight. I know that you are in heaven in the eternal embrace of God and all of the Angel’s and Saints, but I long for just one hug, one snuggle, one kiss. Every time I look at a family picture from this point I know that you are missing, and we will never be able to replace you. When we finally woke up we took a while to get going. Your brother Isaac loves loves loves Daniel Tiger so he watched that while Mommy and I got a little more rest. We finally got up and going after a few Daniel Tigers and I brought your brothers downstairs to eat breakfast. There were two cookies left on the counter from dinner last night and I just told them to pick one and I got them a glass of milk. Not one of the most well rounded breakfasts but it did the job. We had to first take your tiny little body to the funeral home and meet with them and then we had to go to the cemetery. When Mommy came downstairs she asked me if we should give you a real name and I said yes, we should. There was only one name that we really agreed upon as we had been talking about names the last couple of weeks and that was Elizabeth Ann. So now you are Elizabeth Ann “Cutie Pie” Hein. Isaac still wants your real name to be Cutie Pie. I think that giving you a name made it more real for Mommy and I, if that was possible. We named you after Elizabeth Ann Seton. That is the name of Mommy’s confirmation Saint. I tried to explain to Isaac what was going on a little bit but he didn’t understand and I didn’t want to tell him all of the details at his age. I told him that we had to go to HyVee and pick out some flowers for Cutie Pie. I lost it when I started talking to him about this. Even thinking about picking our flowers for your child’s burial is heart wrenching. When Mommy came down I made her a bowl of oatmeal and then we got in the car. Mommy brought you along and we headed to Reichmuth Funeral Home in Elkhorn, about 20 minutes away. Mommy talked to them yesterday. They said they had a casket they would provide at no charge and that they would bring you to the cemetery. While we filled out paperwork, Isaac kept asking over and over, “Daddy, what’s in this bag?” I was ashamed and embarrassed to have brought you to the funeral home in a specimen jar inside of a white paper bag. You deserved so much more. I am so sorry it had to be this way but it was our only option. I keep replaying our visit at the Doctor’s office yesterday and thinking about how they were just going to discard you. We had to push them to release your body to us and all that had to be done was to sign one piece of paper. I pray that God understands our situation and did the best we could with the circumstances we were given. I am also thankful that God provided us with your body to bury. You will get a proper burial tomorrow and a resting place until Jesus returns. Your brother’s were pretty restless at the funeral home and after we finished up we headed to the cemetery, Calvary Catholic Cemetery. It is right across from Bergan Mercy Hospital where I had my mitral valve repair surgery. A funeral director explained everything to us and was very sincere and sympathetic. We picked out a marker for your grave site and then he took us to the Serenity area where unborn babies are laid to rest. He showed us where you’d be buried tomorrow. It was so much to take in and process. I know that a lot of tears are going to be shed tomorrow and I am ready for it. At this point I embrace the sadness and tears, the pain and suffering. It makes it real for me, and I will never stop thinking about you and praying for you no matter how many tears there are. I cry for my loss but I especially cry for the loss and pain that Mommy feels and for your brothers who at this point don’t understand what’s going on. I have two siblings in heaven as my mom had two miscarriages before I was born. Sometimes I think about what my life would be like with two more siblings. What would it have been like to have an older brother. I know that none of these questions will ever be answered here on this earth, but someday I will get to meet them when I meet you. As I said before, you have lots of family in heaven already, aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins. My job as a Father and spiritual leader for my family has become so much more intense over the last couple of days. Although getting my family, my wife and children to heaven was always my mission, I feel it so much more now. I will fight for heaven for all of us, will fight for the chance to be reunited in heaven as a complete family and glory in God together for ever and ever. After we left the cemetery we headed to HyVee and the first thing we did was go and order flowers. We ordered a dozen white roses and two balloons for Isaac and Elijah to release to you. We told them that they were sending them to you in heaven. I asked them if they would like to write you a note to attached to the balloon and they both said yes. They wanted the note to simply say “I Love You.” The love of a child is so complete and so sincere, you are lucky to have two such wonderful and loving brothers. If it was not for them, I am not sure that we could’ve gotten through this. Isaac has spent the last three days taking care of us by giving us hugs and kisses and rubbing our backs and just being there for us. His compassion is such a gift from God. The lady at the counter asked who the flowers were for and Isaac said right away that they were for Mommy. I wanted to yell that they were for our Cutie Pie, our child that we had just lost. I wanted to let it out but it was not her fault for not knowing. I know that I have to brush off these comments, even though they aren’t meant to be painful, they are. No one really knows what we’re going through and when they make a comment or ask a question or even say “Have a good day,” I try to say you too, or thank you and move on, knowing in my heart that these days are filled with pain and sadness. I know they will get better, and they have already in the last three days. It is just hard to see right now where to go and how to move past this. On one hand I feel like the less pain and sadness the feel, the more I will lose you and forget about you, but I believe that through God’s healing that I will never forget you and what you brought to our family. And although a piece of me will always be missing, I think that through God’s grace happiness and joy can return and the sadness and pain will fade. Life will never be the same without you. Although you were with us for such a short time, you changed our lives for the better in so many ways. Mommy and I talked today about our journaling and I think it has been incredibly helpful for both of us, to have time to think about losing you and what you meant to us. All of the joy and happiness we were feeling turned to pain and sadness in a single moment. I have a hard time expressing my feelings when talking. Writing them down has helped me come to terms with what I am feeling and understand myself, you, and God better. I have contemplated why God took you from us so soon and all I can come back to is that you were needed in Heaven. He shared you with us for a short time and then called you back home. The doctors and literature say it differently. I don’t believe that God would ever end a life, but God always brings a greater good out of a bad situation. Maybe something happened at conception or something didn’t go exactly as planned but God used that to bring you home to him. What more could a Father ask for than to have his child be in Heaven with the true Father? So as Mommy and I write this, we hope that one day we can share our story with others, to help them through this incredibly painful and personal experience. God has sustained us through this tragedy and our faith in Christ the Lord will continue to keep us strong. I know that God has not only changed our lives, but will help us to change the lives of those around us and bring more souls to heaven. Cutie Pie, as you look upon the face of God, the Father Almighty, ask him to give us strength and hope. Ask Mary the Mother of God to comfort your Mom, and give her solace in the fact that you have her for she is all of our Mothers. Through her came Jesus Christ and with him salvation. Pray for us my dearest child that our hearts be healed. We miss you so incredibly much and our love for you is unending. I love you my sweet Elizabeth Ann, Daddy |
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
I woke up happy this morning. God blessed me with the most miraculous dream last night. I dreamt that I held you all night. I dreamt that I slept with you by my side. I met you, my sweet baby, and you are perfect. You are happy and healthy. But the thing that struck me most was that you know me. I have known you from the moment of conception. I have carried you and loved you and known you. But, I had envisioned you as a helpless infant, without a fully formed brain to comprehend what was going on. Without the ability to know me and without the ability to love. But you know me. And you love me. I am your mom and you will always be. You know who I am. You love me. You know my flaws and love me anyway. You love in the same way Jesus does. Despite all that I am and all that I am not, you will love me with an everlasting love. That dream was a blessing that I will keep with me forever. A dream sent from heaven. This morning is your funeral. Daddy and I picked out a burial site for you yesterday and today we will say goodbye. No. We aren’t saying goodbye. You have not left us. We will see you again in heaven one day. So, this morning I will say, “Until we meet again.” No. That sounds corny. I don’t know the right words. I guess I’ll just say, “I will miss you, baby”. I never thought I would say the words, “Today is the day that I will bury my daughter.” But that is what I did today. First, we stopped to pick up your flowers. Daddy ordered you a dozen white roses and two pink balloons. White roses are always going to be your flower. My heart breaks when I think of your Daddy. He is such an amazing provider and protector for our family. I can’t imagine how he is feeling after losing his little girl. With your brothers, he can be rough and tough. He can throw them around and wrestle with them. Secretly, I always hoped that we would have a girl. I wanted Daddy to have a little princess. I thought that Daddy would be great with a little girl. I saw him as her knight in shining armor, her protector. Now we have you, but no one could protect you. And I can’t even imagine what Daddy is feeling right now. Isaac has also been on a mission to buy me flowers for about two weeks. One afternoon, about a month ago, Daddy took the boys to the supermarket and bought me flowers. It was the sweetest gesture. Ever since those flowers died, Isaac has been begging me to buy flowers for me. I told him that he had to talk to Daddy. Today, Daddy took Isaac with him to pick up your flowers. Daddy told me that Isaac insisted that mommy get flowers too. When they got back to the car, Isaac was carrying a small bouquet of orange and red wildflowers. Your brother is the most caring person I know. When we got to the cemetery, your brothers took the two pink balloons and attached a note for you. The note was straightforward and innocent. It simply said, “I love you.” They released the balloons, sending them to you in Heaven. Isaac was excited because his balloon flew faster than Eli’s. He said that you were going to get his first. You have a lot of family who loves you dearly and misses you. Grandpa Jamie, Grandma Patty, Grandma Amy, Uncle Jeremey, Aunt Jannelle, and Joely all came to say goodbye. You also have many other grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins that would have loved to be there if they could have. Many friends and family sent messages and notes, called to give their condolences, and sent their thoughts and prayers. The service was beautiful. Father Dan led us in prayer and gave a homily directed towards your brothers. He explained to your brothers that Mommy and Daddy have so much love for each other that we wanted to share that love. We started our family because we had so much love between the two of us. He explained that we are grateful for your brothers, that we love them more than we could ever fully show. But he also explained that we were so looking forward to sharing the love of our family with you. And that we are eternally saddened by the loss of you. However, we can rejoice in knowing that you are in Heaven with Jesus. That you never have to experience suffering, pain, or loss. That you are in full communion with the Savior of the World. That you are in the arms of the Prince of Peace. And for that, I am grateful. My goal as a mother is to protect my children from all pain and suffering. I want nothing more than for my children to experience eternal communion with my Lord and Savior. For your brothers, the process involves life and learning here on Earth. I will be with them every step, teaching them and praying for them. For you, the process ended quickly. I will think of you often. It gives me peace to picture you in the arms of Jesus. I remember the parental love that encompasses your entire body when you snuggle your baby. Jesus has blessed my life with so much that, as much as it kills me, I will share the blessing of your tiny baby snuggles with him. After the service, Father Dan invited us to approach your casket and make a gesture of farewell. He, and Deacon Joe, blessed your casket with the sign of the cross. I approached you and looked down at your casket. It was no bigger than a small take-out container from a restaurant. Your teeny tiny body was inside and I realized that I had to leave you here. I was your mother. I was supposed to protect you. And now I was leaving you. I reached down and traced the sign of the cross on your casket, whispered, “Bye-bye baby” and emotion flooded my body. Father Dan hugged me and I sobbed into his shoulder. People say a lot of things in the midst of tragedy. Most of the things that are said are forgotten, ignored, or do not provide much consolation. However, Father Dan told me the most comforting words that I heard all week. He validated my sorrow. He told me that my emotion and sadness were a sign of my caringness as a mother. It wasn’t a compliment. It was validation. He was saying that it was okay to feel sad, it was okay to mourn. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Today was your funeral. We all woke up early and I did not sleep well last night. Your funeral was at 10:30 and we had to pick up the white roses and balloons at 9:30. It seemed like the morning stretched on and on. It was agonizing to sit and wait. I made your brothers pancakes with strawberry sauce which Isaac has been asking for for days and days. We dressed your brothers in their little suits. Isaac asked me if we were going to church. I told him that we were going to your funeral and that Father Dan and our family would be there. I put on my suit after making breakfast and then we left. I asked Isaac to come into HyVee with me to pick up the balloons and Cutie Pie’s flowers. We also picked out flowers to give to Mommy. Isaac loves giving Mommy flowers. The lady asked why we were all dressed up and where we were going. She asked if we were going to a wedding. With a sad look I told her that we were going to a funeral. I try my best to not look so sad or be so sullen around your brothers. After we bought Mommy’s flowers we went back to the car. I told Isaac to go around and give Mommy her flowers and tell her that he loves her. I buckled him in and we drove to Calvary Catholic Cemetery. When we got there Mommy taped the boys notes to you onto their balloons and we went over to the statue of Mary and your brothers sent their notes to you up in heaven. Isaac kept asking how you would get the note, he asked if there was a door in heaven. He’s trying so hard to understand heaven and how it works. He misses you a lot and can’t wait to meet you in heaven. We then walked over to the grave site and put the flowers down. Our family started to show up and the funeral director and Father Dan and Deacon Joe arrived as well. We walked over and said hi to them. The funeral director had printed out simple programs for it. I hadn’t even thought of this. Father Dan asked everyone to sit and gather round and he started the service. I wanted your brothers to sit still and not run around, especially over the soft ground and fake grass over the grave site, but this didn’t happen. I had to go back and forth from grieving father to disciplinarian trying to keep your brothers safe and asking them to calm down. I really don’t remember what was even said during the service. I sat there in disbelief that we were sitting there at the funeral for our Cutie Pie. At the end of the service, Father Dan asked us to make a sign of reverence on your casket. Father Dan blessed it and made the sign of the cross on it. Mommy and I went next and then I helped your brothers. They didn’t really know what was going on, but I helped them make the sign of the cross over it. I assume everyone else did likewise but I didn’t watch. I was holding Eli and we talked to Father Dan and Deacon Joe for sometime. Then I went over by Mommy. We talked for a little while and then I asked your brothers if they would help me with something. I wanted to take your white roses and leave them with you. Isaac handed a white rose out to everyone. He and I laid a rose across your casket and Isaac made everyone else do likewise. After that we went to lunch and then home. I think I cut the grass in the afternoon. It was kind of nice to have a simple chore ahead of me to accomplish. One of Mommy’s friends brought us dinner that evening. I don’t remember much of the day. It all seems a blur. I miss you so much. I love you, and thank God every day for you. Until we meet again. Love, Daddy |
Thursday, May 19, 2016
Daddy went back to work today. I am trying not to be upset. I’m trying not to break down and ask him to stay. I know he doesn’t want to go back yet, but I know he loves his job and finds validation in what he does. Daddy is a great provider and is good at his job. It was hard to watch him go and know that I was now alone with my thoughts and your brothers. I tried as best as I could to pull myself together and be the mom that they need me to be. Part of being a good mom to me is keeping a clean home for my family. I haven’t been able to do much cleaning in the past few days due to exhaustion, depression, and the sheer amount of things I needed to do. Today, it was an obsession. I feel so out of control in my own life that I find myself obsessing over things that I can control. I can control the dishes and the laundry and what my kids eat for dinner. I also feel like if I stop moving, then everything seems real again. I was talking to Daddy yesterday. I told him that I felt guilty for feeling relief that the funeral was over. I want so badly to move on but so badly to never forget this feeling. I am afraid that if I move on that I will lose you. But then I think of your brothers. I realized that I have done everything that I need to to get you to heaven. Now I need to work on them and myself as well. We took your brothers to the park yesterday in an attempt to get back to normal. Isaac and Eli rode their bikes all the way there. I was so proud. Isaac has a timid nature when it comes to things like this and needs a lot of encouragement to take risks. Eli is a dare-devil and would jump off the roof if we let him. But they both did it. I was really proud. As I was playing with your brothers I was struck by how much they look alike. They were dressed the same and are only 16 months apart. They often get mistaken for twins. I think they look very different but I guess I can see how people might mix them up. Then it hit me, would you have looked like them? I think you probably would have. Although I get the feeling that you would have resembled Eli more than Isaac. I can see you with his scrunchie little nose and straight blonde hair. Although, I think you may have had Isaac’s big blue eyes and eyelashes for miles. I think that you are going to pop into my thoughts frequently and out of nowhere. I hope there are more happy thoughts than sad ones, but either way I am glad that you will still be around. The OB nurses have called at least once a day since Monday. They are just calling to check in and see how I am doing. After I had your brothers, I think they only called once. I am glad that they are checking in. They want to know how I am doing physically and emotionally. Physically, for the past two days the only pain I have experienced is a constant headache. I am also mildly sore in a similar way to how I felt after giving birth to your brothers. Emotionally, well, I’m hanging in there. I told Daddy that people tend to refer to emotions as a roller coaster, saying I’m on an emotional roller coaster with lots of ups and downs, twists and turns. I don’t feel like that. This is not a roller coaster. This is a teeter totter. There is no gradual climb. There is no exciting vertical drop. I am either up or down. I’m either doing okay or I’m crashing to the ground. When your brothers teeter totter there is an unfair advantage for Isaac. He has a good 8-10 pounds on Eli. So when Isaac decides to drop, Eli goes up. When Isaac decides to jump, Eli goes down. And when Isaac decides to get off the teeter totter completely, Eli crashes to the ground. It’s not gradual. It is a gut wrenching crash. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
It’s been a few days since I’ve written to you and they have been up and down days. On Thursday I went back to work. I was very anxious to go back to work. Firstly, I wanted to be with Mommy and your brothers. Secondly, I didn’t really feel like jumping back into my work projects which were already overwhelming before all of this. On top of that I didn’t know who knew at work and what their reactions would be. I just wanted to be with my family and stay in our little bubble. But I had to go back to work, so I did. When I left the house it was partly cloudy and as I drove the sun began to break through the clouds and was streaming down. I saw this and I thought of you. The thought of you and the beauty of the moment overwhelmed me and I started crying. I missed you and although I was amazed at the physical beauty of the sun breaking though the clouds it did not compare to the beauty and innocence of your soul. God formed you and knew you, you were created in his image. I keep going back to the reality that you are in heaven with him, and I’m trying to take the reality I know is true and find true happiness in it. I am coming to realize that happiness and joy are not just a feeling. There is more to it than that and it can be felt at the same time one is feeling loss and sadness. I know in my heart and soul that you are in heaven and that does give me the greatest joy. I know for sure that one of my children is a Saint in Heaven, right NOW! But I miss you and long to know you. I love you so much and the loss Mommy and I experienced is immense at the same time of feeling this joy. So it is with a heavy heart that I went back to work, sad, unsure of what was in store for me, and exhausted. I ended up staying in my office for the first two hours of the day. I didn’t feel like leaving it or going to the break room to get coffee. I didn’t want to see anybody. I wanted to be alone, and I really missed Mommy and your brothers. A couple of guys I work with came in and they told me that they were sorry to hear what happened and told me that there wasn’t really anything they could say, which was true. I appreciated their sincerity and appreciated that they just left it at that. There isn’t anything they or anyone else can say to make things better. We lost our child and there is nothing that will change it. The day was kind of a blur. I had to run out to Home Depot for some supplies and I called Mommy. Your brothers were being loud and rambunctious (which is normal). Mommy was having about the same kind of day I was. Another co-worker came to my office and talked to me and said he and his wife had lost a child to miscarriage relatively recently and he kept talking and talking. Some people seem to keep talking in situations like this. I stopped listening at some point and just nodded and shook my head. Another guy I work with said he and his wife had two miscarriages, one early on, and a tubal pregnancy. He said that his family would continue to pray for us. I think that is the nicest thing that people can say. Some people say that they are thinking of you or keeping you in their thoughts which is something that I never really understood. How does thinking about someone or their situation make things better. I left early and came home around 3:30. I was glad that work was over and although I was overwhelmed with all of the work I had to do, I left it all at work because I had more important things to attend to and focus on. I didn’t really care about work today, it seemed so unimportant. I felt like I was just going through the motions (which I was). I was just kind of out of it. I spent the whole day somewhere else. When I got home the boys were excited to see me. I love coming home and seeing their faces light up. They really didn’t want me to go into work today and were glad I was home. We had been telling them for a few days that we could ride bikes to the park. They put their helmets on and we started the trek up to the part. Isaac is very cautious until he perfects something so he wanted Mommy or Daddy right there beside him. Eli just kind of goes for stuff. We made it to the park but Isaac wanted to keep riding, so I walked with him as he rode the loop around the park. We worked on braking which he sorely needed to practice. We played at the park and the boys had a good time. It was also good for me and Mommy to have a little fun and get outside and focus on something other than how sad we were. Love, Daddy |
Friday, May 20, 2016
Yet another day. Your brothers and I ran some errands. It was the most normal day we have had in awhile. Our last errand was a trip to the grocery store. I usually don’t mind grocery shopping, as long as your brothers are well fed and well napped. They were fairly well behaved today. But I was so overwhelmed by the people, the smells, the lights, the noise, the everything. I felt like I was getting assaulted from every angle. My head pounded. I just wanted to get home and take a nap. Your brothers must have sensed that I was not myself today. Normally when we buy groceries, I try to stay away from pre packaged food. I make food from scratch as much as possible. I just like knowing what is going into my kids bodies. Today, somehow your brothers managed to sneak Cheetos, Oreos, Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, 10 pounds of macaroni noodles, veggies straws, and who knows what else into the cart. And by sneak, I mean ask and were allowed to put it in the cart. I had no will power and didn’t really care what we bought. I did somehow manage to buy bananas and milk, but the rest of the cart was a disaster. Tonight, I am back at adoration. I have a weekly holy hour at 9:00 every Friday night. I haven’t been here in three weeks due to being out of town, but I am here. I am reminded of Mother Teresa tonight. She often said that she had trouble feeling the presence of God. That she struggled to really feel His existence. She said that she would often go to adoration, mass, or daily prayers and say, "Well I’m here and that is all I can offer you right now." So I will say that tonight as well. I am here. That might be as much as I can offer right now. I know that Jesus is holy and sovereign. I know that his will is perfect. But I am broken and am struggling just to keep my head above water. So for tonight, I am here. I just re-read my journaling from this week and I remembered something that daddy told me the other day. Daddy had me read a book by Scott Hahn called The Lord's Supper. Scott Hahn is a much smarter person than I will ever be, but I am thankful that God has provided me with people who can explain the unexplainable. In this book he explains that the book of Revelation is a picture of the meeting of heaven and earth at mass. That the new heaven and the new earth are in fact the breaking of the break - the communion of saints - the Eucharist. He explains that at mass we are accompanied by angels. That we are in communion with the saints. And you, my dear sweet baby, are a Saint, we know that you have made it safely to heaven. We know that you are in communion with God. And now I know that you will be worshiping with me every time I attend mass. Love Always, Mommy |
Friday was an even busier day at work today and I worked from 6:30 to 5:30. It was a long and taxing day. I still felt like I was in a daze most of the day and continued to try and avoid people because I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to have the simple small talk conversations. They just didn’t seem important, and I didn’t have it in me to put on a happy face and act like everything was okay. Each day has gotten a little easier. I feel like my intense sadness and pain has transformed into depression. I feel like I’m spent, that there’s nothing more inside. I don’t know where to go. I know what I have to do and I will get back into my routine. I need to find a better work-life balance. I need to find more time for God and prayer. There are so many things that I need to change. I don’t want this to be for naught. I want to get my family to heaven more so than ever, I want us to all be in heaven together. I love you so much Cutie Pie. Love for ever and ever, Daddy
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I have been thinking about what to say and what not to say to people after a miscarriage. There are things that helped me and things that did not.
What not to say… 1. Let me know if you need anything. *No one is going to tell you what they need. No one will actually ask you for something. No one is going to say, “Hey, can you bring me a meal?” or “You know I would really like you to fold my laundry.” People have too much pride. They won’t ask. Instead Say… 1. When can I bring you dinner? *Be specific. If you want to bring dinner, tell them. If you want to babysit, tell them. If you want to help them clean, show up with a mop and bucket. Don’t ask, just do. What not to say… 2. I’m sorry for your loss. *This is not the worst thing that you can say. It does express some sort of condolence, but it is generic. It’s not specific. If you are talking to someone who means something to you, someone you have know for more than 10 minutes, you can think of something better to say. Instead Say… 2. Something personally relevant *Say something that shows that you care, that you know the person you are talking to. Say, “This sucks.” Say, “I wish you didn’t have to go through this.” Say, “My heart is broken for you.” Say anything that shows you feel for them. What not to say… 3. Anything that takes more than 3 minutes to say. *I know that sometimes people feel the need to fill up silence. Silence is awkward and uncomfortable. It’s hard to just be quiet. But, trust me, don’t keep talking. It will not help. Instead Say… 3. Nothing. *If you are talking to someone who wants silence. Be silent. Say nothing. Listen if they want to talk. Just be with them. Sit with them. Hold their hand. Be there. What not to say. 4. Don’t cry. *I probably don’t need to explain this one. If someone is crying, there is a reason. Even if you can’t empathize, never tell someone not to feel. When other people cry, it makes me uncomfortable. But I still never tell them not to cry. Instead… 4. Cry with them. *Or if you aren’t crying, don’t pretend to cry. Just let them cry. Let them feel. Let them mourn. Don’t Say… 5. It will be okay. *Unless you have experienced the same situation, don’t say that it will be okay. Don’t say it will get better, unless you actually know that it gets better. Instead… 5. Share your story. *It is helpful to know that you are not alone. Don’t just say that you know what they are going through. Don’t say that you’ve been there. Share your story. Ask if they are ready to hear, and if they are be honest. Be real. The only exception to this would be if someone makes the entire conversation about themselves. One person I spoke with began sobbing about an experience decades prior. I understand the emotion and trauma. However, I then had to comfort her instead of receive comfort in the moment. Don’t Say… 6. Anything that starts with ‘at least’. *Never try to justify anything. Never say, “At least,” anything. At least she didn’t suffer. At least it happened early. At least you got to see her. At least you didn’t have to see her. At least you have two children. At least you know you can get pregnant. At least, at least, at least. I don’t give a flying f***. Instead Say… 6. Anything else. *Truly. Any…thing…else. And…if you can’t think of anything to say, say that. The most comforting thing that people said to me in the last few days was, “I have no words” and “there are no words to express how sorry I am.” |
It seems that some people have no idea what to say and other people think they know what to say. I think it is best when people tell you they are very sorry and that there’s not really anything they can say. Some people just avoid it or don’t say anything and other people keep talking and talking and talking. I’d rather they say nothing at all. When they just keep talking and talking I just stop listening. I understand that other people have gone through similar experiences, but telling me all about it or how you get over it etc. doesn’t make me feel any better or change anything for us right now.
I think that men know what to say less than women do. It is awkward and I feel a lot of time I find myself saying thank you for their sympathy and trying to get the conversation over with as soon as possible. I can’t share my sadness and loss with them. They don’t understand my loss and even if they have gone through losing a baby they are at a different stage than I am. The best thing people can say is that they are sorry and that they are praying for us and for our Cutie Pie. It always makes me frustrated when someone tells me that they are keeping us in their thoughts. What does that mean exactly? What will thinking about us or our situation do for us? I’ve also come to understand that I need to not let my feelings get hurt because most everyone has good intentions behind what they say and they say what they think is best. You really don’t understand what it is like unless you have gone through it. In the end I’ve learned that I have to appreciate that people care enough about us to tell talk to us and not just brush it off or act like nothing happened. |
May 21, 2016
It has been exactly one week since I lost you. This has been the longest week of my life, but at the same time I feel like it went by very quickly. It is hard to believe that it was a week ago that I was looking at the ultrasound machine, dumbfounded. I feel like I have spent the week in a daze. Physically, I feel like crap. I have had a migraine for a week. Nothing has even come close to touching it. My hands, feet, and stomach are swollen. I’m tired. Okay, it’s more than tired. I’m exhausted. This week has been the worst week of my life. However, when you experience tragedy, you will find that there are other people who have had similar experiences. People come out of the woodwork. People who you see every day. People who you interact with frequently and never knew that they also have experienced lost. I had many friends share their story of loss with me over the past week. Some of those friends had shared their experience with me previously. Others had kept their story private until now. It is amazing how similar and how different an experience can be. People deal with loss in different ways. One of my closest friends shared her story with me. She told me that when she found out her baby would end in miscarriage her first thought was, “Well, shit.” She said that her mourning did not start until the miscarriage actually started. She told me that she knew mothers who had lost a baby and never recovered. She also told me that she knew mothers who had lost a baby, gotten pregnant, and been healed by the birth of the next baby. Everyone is different. Everyone grieves differently. I am finding healing in sharing my story with others and hearing the story of others. One of my dear friends shared her story with me, cried with me, prayed for me, grieved with me, and was generally a light in a dark place. Her message to me was the most beautiful thing that I have heard. She told me that she had lost a baby almost exactly three years prior. Her baby was named Mary. She has been praying with me and for me this entire week. When I told her that I named you Elizabeth Ann, she rejoiced. She sent me the following message. “God bless you! We ask Elizabeth Ann to pray for special intentions, especially babies. Beautiful! Elizabeth Ann. When I was praying the other night, I was really focused on my picture of the Visistation, thinking of you, like we’re “sisters” in this as Mary and Elizabeth. And now to think that our daughters that we lost are Mary and Elizabeth.” That was the most beautiful message that I have ever received. Miracles happen every day. While I would not re-live this week for any price, I am grateful for the blessings that have come from it. Telling friends and family that you are having a baby is easy and fun. You get to plan a surprise. You get to smile and celebrate with them. It is my favorite part of being pregnant. However, telling people that you lost a baby is hard. I was devastated when I lost you. It was such a personal experience that I didn’t feel comfortable telling the world like I did when I found out that I was pregnant. Sharing my story with good friends was easy, but telling the world was not something I wanted to do. However, I had already posted an announcement on social media. The world already knew. I didn’t want to deal with questions and comments individually. I just wanted to get it over with. I wanted to just rip the band aide off. I struggled with it. It is not something that I feel should be posted on social media. However, Daddy told me that I was doing the right thing. It would have been harder had we not told people. It would have been harder to have to tell friends and family individually. So, I ripped off the band aide. I asked for prayers for you, little one, and for our family. Daddy assured me that we needed all the prayers we could get. A lot of women reached out to me in the next few days saying that they had lost a baby. However, they did not feel comfortable telling anyone. Sometimes, I understand why a women might not tell anyone. Sometimes I wish no one knew. Sometimes I wish I could deal with it by myself and not have to listen to the comments and warm thoughts. I just wanted to get through it with Daddy. However, I think that this is the problem. No one talks about miscarriage. No one asks for help or prayers. It is almost a taboo subject. Women feel guilty. Women feel like they did something wrong. Women feel like they will be judged. No one has to just move on. No one just needs to get over it. Miscarriage means that you lost a baby. You lost a child. I think that more people should share their stories. More people should reach out for help. More people should be aware of what a woman goes through during and after a miscarriage. This is hard. And unfortunately this is a frequent occurrence, only no one talks about it. Let’s talk about it. Let’s help each other. So many people have had miscarriages. No one talks about it until you have one. Then, they come out of the woodwork. People will say that it is comforting to know that you are not alone, that there are so many others who have been through what you are going through. I agree and yet I disagree. I think it is infuriating. No one should have to go through this. It is not comforting to know that others have experienced loss. I feel for the mothers who lost their babies. I am heartbroken that there are others who have experienced the pain and loss and loneliness of saying goodbye to a child they have never met. Yet, there is comfort in knowing that others understand the pain. |
Experiencing the loss of a baby from a Dad’s perspective is a lot different. A lot of people texted mommy and shared their experience and story but I think that men are just different when it comes to these things. Sure, I had a lot of people tell me they were sorry for our loss and a couple of people tell me about their experience of losing a baby. I think there is some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in going through this. That other people have lost children and were able to move on and have more babies.
I know that I’ll never get over this, but I do have some hope that I can move on a little, that life will go on. My Mom and Dad has two miscarriages between my older sister and I. There is a seven year difference between us and it wasn’t until I was older that I found out why there was such a gap. I never really thought about it much as a child or young adult. I never really thought about it until we lost Cutie Pie. Just as thoughts run through my head constantly about what our Cutie Pie would be like, what color hair would she have, who’s eyes would she have. I think about my two siblings that I never got to meet. What would life have been with them in it. Would I still be here if they were both here? I’ve talked to my parents a little bit about it and my mom is much more open about her feelings and experience of going through losing a baby than my dad. But what I really wanted to know was what was it like for my dad. What was it like to see your wife suffer so much through this and not be able to make it better. What did you do to get though it by yourself and as a couple? Maybe I didn’t ask the right questions or wasn’t willing to press hard enough to but I feel like I got the response that most people give. Stick together, talk about it with each other and love each other. This is part of the reason that we are writing this down, because I don’t want to forget this. I don’t want the pain and sadness to fade, not completely. If somebody else ever reads this, I want them to know that they are not alone in their sadness and grief. They are not alone in the pain they are feeling as a father. It is okay to cry and feel like you’re heart has been torn out. |
Hi Sweetheart,
Eli was sick today so Daddy and I took turns going to mass. It has been a long time since I have been able to listen to an entire mass and actually hear what is being said. The homily was about the passages where Elijah and Jesus raise a child from the dead. Father Boyd’s insight on the passage was beautiful. He asked what we would do if we saw a child being raised from the dead. One of the servers said that he would be surprised because miracles like that do not happen anymore. Father Boyd said that in a sense that is true, but actually this kind of miracle happens every day. He said that because the wages of sin is death, when we sin our soul dies. Therefore, when we receive reconciliation we are essentially raised from the dead. I love that idea. I immediately desired to go to confession. I know that I need to go to confession, but most of the time I drag my feet. Today I really wanted to go. I wanted rebirth of my soul. I have felt dead, void of life for weeks. I wanted to be alive again. I jumped in the confession line after mass, elated and excited. I searched my conscious to determine where I had fallen short. I entered the confessional and knew exactly what I needed to repent of. I have blamed God for taking you. I have been angry at God since we lost you. I haven’t been able to pray. I haven’t even been able to look at the Eucharist during my Holy hour. My prayer life has become essentially nonexistent. I have been furious with God but after my initial outburst the night we lost you, I shut Him out. You are in full communion with God. You are eternally with our Lord in Heaven with the saints and Angels. And I can’t even manage to say anything. I can't even manage to look at Him. I confessed my sins and was met with sympathy from father Boyd. He reminded me that God does not put stipulations on our relationship. It is us that draws the line in the sand. We are the ones that put boundaries on God's love. We are the ones that think that God’s love for us is dependent on what happens to us on Earth. Father Boyd asked me to erase the line I have drawn in the sand. To move forward with the understanding that God’s love for me is infinite and limitless. I felt like a weigh was lifted from my shoulders. I have been carrying this anger around with me since that fateful day. Now I can start the process of moving forward. I am grateful for the compassion and especially the patience of the Lord. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Today I went to Mass with Isaac since Eli was sick. The were several times during Mass and when I was praying that I started crying. Isaac saw me crying once and asked my, "Daddy, what's wrong?" All I can tell him when he asks me that is that I miss you. I really miss you, a lot, more than I've ever missed anyone. I love you so much and today at Mass it really hit me hard. I know you are in heaven with Jesus and rejoice in that, but I miss you so much. Love, Daddy |
One of my amazing friends sent us a marker for your rose bush. White roses will always remind me of you. And now your rose bush also bears your name.
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For Mother's Day, Daddy said that he wanted to get me a mother's ring. I loved that idea. Daddy picked out a wonderful ring, It has all of our children's names engraved on individual rings. I love wearing this ring because the greatest role in my life is being a mother. Your name is engraved on the third ring along with your nickname. You are as much my child as your brothers, so Daddy made sure that you had a ring as well.
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Hi Sweet Girl,
We took your brothers to the zoo a few days ago. We had a great day. It was beautiful outside. Watching your brothers get excited about things makes my heart happy. They were so excited to see the animals and spend the day with mommy and daddy. I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I asked Daddy if I was allowed to feel happy. I wondered if feeling happy minimized what happened. Daddy told me that I am allowed to feel happy. That we have two little boys who need their mommy and daddy to play with them, laugh with them, and be generally happy. We will never forget you. We will always love you. Moving forward is hard, but is necessary. I will think of you every time your brothers make me laugh. I hope that you are laughing along with me. I am not sure how much your brothers understand what happened. Isaac seems to kind of understand. He can at least tell you that there is no baby in Mommy’s tummy and that you, little Cutie Pie, are in heaven with Jesus. He tells me that he misses his Cutie Pie. But I’m not sure if he understands that Heaven is not a place that we can go while we are still on Earth. It’s a hard concept. My heart is broken for him. Eli is still only two. He’s young and does not understand. He just accepts things as fact. Mommy told him that Cutie Pie is in Heaven. Mommy told him that there was no more baby in Mommy’s belly. He said okay. But he doesn’t understand. Yesterday, I had a blood draw at the hospital to monitor my quant levels. The doctors need to make sure that my hormone levels are going back to normal. Isaac held my hand through the three needle pokes (I have really bad luck with blood draws). He tried to distract me by talking. He was telling the nurse his name, his brother’s name, his birthday, his age, his brother’s age and anything else he could think of. The nurse asked him if he had any other brothers and sisters and he was speechless. He just stopped and looked at me. Finally, he said, “Um….no.” I don’t even really know how to answer that question. Yes, he does. He has you, his little sister in Heaven. But do you really want to get into that during a 5 minute lab draw? This has been so confusing for him. Today, we were shopping and ran into another mom friend. She expressed her condolences by saying, I am so sorry for your loss. Isaac picked up on it immediately and told her, “We used to have another baby. We named her Cutie Pie, but she died.” Neither of us knew what to say. He misses you little one, just as we all do. Love Always, Mommy Going Forward |
Hi Cutie Pie,
I miss you, a lot. More than I have ever missed anyone in my whole life. I used to think that spending summers in Libertyville during college and being away from Mommy (my girlfriend at the time) was they hardest thing, and that I could never miss anyone more than that. I was wrong, incredibly wrong. My heart longs to know you, to hold you and snuggle you. To give your little cheeks kisses and tell you how much I love you. Life will never be the same without you here. I keep reminding myself though that you would not want me and mommy to dwell on the sadness and the loss. You are in heaven with our Lord and Savior and are perfectly happy. We need to move on and live in the present. I logically know this but it is hard to do sometimes. Every day it gets a little easier and I don’t know whether that’s a good thing or not. I feel like if it doesn’t hurt anymore or the sadness fades that I am forgetting you. I know that is not the case but it’s hard to get over that feeling. Taking your brother to the zoo on Sunday and having a fun day was really good for all of us. Your brothers needed it as the last couple of days were really difficult for them. They’ve never seen Mommy and Daddy cry so much (or at all) and they didn’t understand everything that was going on. It was so great to see the smiles on their faces and it was great to have something to do as a family. Routine is something that has helped me. Getting back into my routine at work and at home has helped make it feel like life was getting back to normal. The sadness is still there, I just have to dig a little deeper to find it. I don’t find myself dwelling on it as much, but remembering the positive impact that you’ve had on our lives. I love you so much Elizabeth Ann, and pray that I will get to meet you in heaven when my time on earth is complete. Love, Daddy |
Hi Baby,
It’s been awhile since I have written anything to you. That doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you every day. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss you. I’m trying to get my life back to normal, as hard as that is. I don’t want my normal life with a wonderful husband and two adorable little sons. I was really looking forward to the added chaos of a third little baby. I knew what that would look like and I was ready to embrace the crazy. But I’m back to normal. And some people might say that is okay, but going back to my daily routine has been depressing. I am struggling to find excitement in anything. My house is suffering. I am usually really good at motivating myself to clean when I need to. But I just can’t right now. Everything seems a little pointless. I haven’t been able to finish a full load of laundry since before we lost you. I just keep washing and drying the same clothes, not actually able to fold them and put them away. I try. Damn it, I try really hard. But it just seems pointless. Our basement flooded this morning. Daddy called me downstairs at 5:00 am. It made me think of you. I kept thinking, "Huh, life just keeps going." Good things, wonderful things, terrible things, funny things, cute things, they all just keep happening. I know that life was not going to stop just because we lost you, but for some reason it is still shocking. Even though I know it is illogical, I just keep thinking "Why doesn’t the world know that my Cutie Pie is gone? Why doesn’t everything just stop for a minute? Let me catch my breath. Why do the dishes and the laundry and the cooking and the cleaning and the flooded basements and everything just hit pause. Just stop. Let me catch up. Let me have a minute." But no. Life keeps going and so do I. Depsite the fact that I want to just curl up in bed and binge watch something stupid on Netflix, the world and my life keep going. I have to suck it up and keep going with them. Because your brothers need breakfast, lunch, dinner, clean dishes, clean laundry, and a mom who loves them and plays with them. I heard once that if you pretend to be happy long enough eventually you will trick even yourself. I’m hoping that I can manage that because I’m pretending as best as I can. Over the past week I have thought of you a lot. I held a baby that was born on the same day that we lost you. She was beautiful and perfect. She looked just like her wonderful mama. Her mom was so kind and compassionate about everything. The little baby was warm and soft and squishy just like a baby should be. Her mama asked questions and listened to my story as she let me rock her newborn angel. I thought of you as I held her little miracle. I missed you. I wasn’t jealous or angry. I was happy for her and happy to have a new friend for my kiddos to play with. I just missed you. I will never get to hold you or rock your warm little body. I won’t get to nurse you or snuggle you to sleep. But you are happy and healthy and perfect in heaven. My loss is your gain. You have gained eternity with our Lord and Savior. I am trying to remember that every time I feel cheated. Every time I feel like you were taken from me too early. You have gained more than I lost. You were destined for heaven before you were even conceived. While I feel lost and broken, I know that you are perfect and whole. You will never suffer. You will never feel pain or loss or sadness. As your mother, I am glad that you are at peace. I still miss you, but I can’t imagine a better life than one spent with Jesus. Be still my aching heart and know that He is with you. Love Always, Mommy |
Hi My Elizabeth,
I've never really been angry at God before. Never questioned Him at all. Even when I found out that I need open heart surgery. I was 25 and Mommy was about 7 months pregnant with Isaac. I was terrified and scared but I didn't question God or yell at him. I didn't get really mad at God until after we lost you Cutie Pie. And it wasn't right away. It was months after, when I was in the presence of Jesus at my holy hour (luckily no one share my holy hour with me). I got up out of the seat and stood right in front of Jesus. I looked at the blessed sacrament and I told him I needed him. I asked him why he took our Elizabeth Ann. Why he gave us this wonderful blessing and then took it away. Why grant us this incredible gift, give us such joy and excitement to welcome this new life into our family and then rip the carpet out from under us. I cried for most of that holy hour and most of the way into work. I remember coming up to a red light and yelling at God. Pounding on the steering wheel and arm rest just screaming and sobbing. Why did you take her away!?!?!?!? Every time I start thinking about that I instantly go back to the day we found out we lost you, when Mommy and I went to see Jesus in adoration. Mommy told me that she was asking God the same question why he took our Cutie Pie and he told her that you were always his. I know this is true, but My God, how I miss my Cutie Pie. I still have your ultrasound picture at my desk. It is right in front of my keyboard and I see it all day. You are all around us. Every time I look at your brothers playing or we take a family picture I can't help but thinking we are incomplete. If we hadn't lost you, we would be out taking pregnancy pictures, and rubbing Mommy's belly and talking to you and feeling you kick and move around. Instead I am sitting on the couch crying as your brothers are up napping and mommy is out in the kitchen. It seems like everything reminds me of you. I didn't think that I would have problems seeing other babies or walking by or through the baby aisle but I do. I am not jealous of other parents with new babies. I am still excited and happy for them, but I wonder if they understand what a great gift they've been given. Do they understand how precious life is? Do they know how lucky they are? And seeing teeny tiny little newborn babies reminds me that Mommy and I don't get to experience that with you. We don't get to swaddle you and hold you and snuggle you. Even when we walked past the baby aisle (yes, I said past, not through) at Target, and I could see all of the little baby onesies and outfits I almost started crying. That is not me, was not me. But everything has changed now. Mommy and I have always known how lucky we were to have your brothers but it wasn't put into perspective until we lost you. We didn't really know how lucky we were. We had no idea. I don't think you really can know until you've lost a child. I am working on trying to come to peace with it all. I know that you're in heaven with Jesus and that is our goal as parents, to get our kids to heaven. How I wish I could have met you and held you. I pray that one day we'll all be reunited as a family in heaven and it will be a most glorious family reunion. I love you and miss you so much my Cutie Pie. Love, Daddy |
I found your onesie awhile ago. The one you were going to wear home from the hospital. Daddy suggested we turn it into a teddy bear. I couldn't imagine doing anything else with it. We found a lady online who makes keepsakes and now your onesie sits on my nightstand. It reminds me of when your brothers slept in their bassinets next to our bed.
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Hi Baby Girl,
Today was supposed to be our twelve week appointment. It feels like it should have been more than just twelve weeks. I got the notification on my phone this morning. I turned it off and went on with my day. I feel like I am stuck in quick sand. Like I just keep waiting and waiting. We never had issues getting pregnant with your brothers.With you we had to try for several months. Then we had you. Pregnancy with you was exciting but also slow. I just felt like everything was taking longer than it had with your brothers. I was ready for you. I was ready for my baby and the waiting was hard. Then, we lost you and we had to wait until ‘nature took its course’. Then, we had to wait for the bleeding to stop. Now we are waiting for our go ahead to start trying again. I still want another baby. I still ache for another baby. But I am also paralyzed with fear. I feel guilty that I am even considering having another baby when it feels like we just lost you. I mean I haven’t even lost the baby belly completely. And I am terrified to go through this again. How do I know that the next baby will be healthy? I never questioned your brothers health because I didn’t know any different. But now, I know. I know what can happen. And yet, I fear that this is the tip of the ice berg. Maybe there are worse things that could go wrong. I know that worrying and speculating are going to get me no where. I know that I need to have faith in God. He will provide for me. His will is perfect. No matter what I can trust in the Lord. But there is a little voice in the back of my head. It just won’t go away. What if…. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
It's been about a month since we lost you. Today was supposed to be your 12 week check up. When the notification on my phone went off, it took everything out of me. All the emotional of pain and loss and sadness over losing you were right back on top. I miss you so much. I am heartbroken that we have to go through this life without you. I love you forever and for always, Daddy |
Hi Honey,
Here I am at adoration again. I am determined to fix my prayer life. On the way here I heard a song by Britt Nicole. I used to love music. I used to worship through music. Somewhere in the past few years I have stopped listening to music. Your brothers don’t like music in the car because they would rather talk to me. I am happy to spend an entire 9 hour car ride to Chicago talking with your brothers. At home I forget to turn on music. The house is so full of noise already that I seek quiet when I can get it. Today, however, I turned on the radio. This song has never really caught my attention. I like the melody and it’s upbeat. But I’ve never really listened to it. To be fair, I don’t listen to the lyrics of most songs. I like melody. But today I heard these lyrics for the first time and they struck me. I remember the moment I remember the pain I was only a girl But I grew up that day Tears were falling I know you saw me Hiding there in my bedroom So alone I was doing my best Trying to be strong No one to turn to That’s when I met you All this time From the first tear cried ‘Till today’s sunrise And every single moment between You were there You were always there It was you and I You’ve been walking with me all this time Ever since that day It’s been clear to me That no matter what comes You will never leave I know you’re for me And you’re restoring Every heartache and failure Every broken dream You’re the God who sees The God who rescued me This is my story This is my story All this time From the first tear cried Till today’s sunrise And every single moment between You were there You were always there It was you and I You’ve been walking with me all this time. I hear people asking me How do I know what I believe Well, I’m not the same me And that’s all the proof I need I felt love I felt your grace You stole my heart that day All this time From the first tear cried ' Till today’s sunrise And every single moment between You were there You were always there It was you and I And you’ve been walking with me all this time I listened to the lyrics and thought back on this journey with you, my Cutie Pie. It all looks different to me now. I can see Jesus rejoicing with me as I saw the positive pregnancy test, excited for the blessing of a new baby. I can see him hold my hand as I worried about you. I envision him next to my hospital bed, embracing me as I cried and cried. I see him wiping my tears away. Here was there as I went into labor, holding my hand through the pain - both physical and emotional. He’s stroking my hair as I birthed a baby that I would never hold. He sat next to me on the couch as I tried to block out the world during the next few days. He was there when we buried you. He looked over all of us, saddened at your loss and the pain of your family. And I know he carried your little body into Heaven. You, my little Saint. St. Elizabeth Ann Hein, named after another wonderful Saint. Jesus was there. He walked this journey with us. He will continue to be there with us until the day he calls us home and we can be in complete union with him. I read through these journal entries differently now. Back then, I felt so alone. I felt like Jesus had abandoned me and stolen my baby. My priest assured me that Jesus was morning your death with me, that he was saddened by my pain. It seems clearer now. He was and still is with me. Through good times and bad. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. I came across a journal entry I had written just weeks before your conception. Our parish was blessed to host a relic of the true cross of Jesus. I went to my weekly Holy hour and was overwhelmed to be in the presence of the body of Jesus and the cross where he died. I wrote the following entry and looking back on it, it seems a bit prophetic. "I arrived at my weekly holy hour and noticed an addition to the alter. I walked timidly up to the body of Christ and saw a relic of the true cross standing next to my Savior. The true cross? The cross of Jesus? I stopped breathing. I stopped blinking. I stood in silence and then dropped to the floor. I was literally sitting at the foot of the cross. How was this even possible? I am a Midwestern mom with a lukewarm prayer life and now I am at the foot of the cross. I sat on the cold cement floor looking up at the alter in bewilderment. Those wooden splinters had been touched by Jesus, King of kings, lord of lords. His blood and sweat may still be on them. And I am sitting next to them. I closed my eyes and imagined the scene at the crucifixion. Chaos. Anger. Fear. Jealousy. I imagined the scream of the crowds. I imagined hearing the crack of the whip. I saw Jesus carrying the cross up the hill, sweating, hurting. I was there as the One true God humbled himself to be put to death by the ones he came to save. I heard the ping ping of the hammer as the nails were pounded into his hands. I imagined the women who sat at the foot of the cross. Being a convert to Catholism, I have struggled with the concept of Mary for years. I tend to ignore the topic rather than really study her. However, tonight I saw her. I saw her weeping for her beloved son. I saw her watching as her son was dying and there was nothing she could do to save him. My heart longed to hug her, to hold her, to weep with her. I felt a connection with the Mother of my Lord by our bond in motherhood. There is nothing like the bond between a mother and her son. I can’t imagine losing a child. I only hope that if I ever lose a child, that Mary will comfort me in the same way I wanted to comfort her." Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
It seems like I can’t make it through an hour of adoration these days without crying. I find myself standing right in front of the Blessed Sacrament telling God that I need him. Standing there in my sorrow and pain, feeling like my heart has been ripped out of me. I say to God, “Here I am Lord, this is it, take what's before you because this is all I have to give you.” I need God and I need to work on my relationship with him. Sometimes I feel like I can never do enough, which is true, but I need to be okay with that and work on it little by little. As I grow in my relationship with God, I will as well grow in my relationship to all of those in heaven, including you Cutie Pie. As I get to know God and love God, it will help me to know and love those around me. I know Jesus is right there waiting for me and I need to be like Samuel and say here I am Lord. Let the Lord lead me and guide me. Love, Daddy |
Hi Honey,
My OB said that if we wanted to begin trying for another baby, we would need to wait until my normal cycles came back. Well, they are back. And now I am thinking and worrying and wondering. Daddy and I have been talking about whether or not we are ready to have another baby. Daddy said the big question would be ‘what are we waiting for?’ I knew immediately what I was waiting for. I was waiting for you. Logically, I know that you are not coming back. But I just miss you so much. I feel like having another baby is a really big step. It’s like saying officially that you are gone, that I am moving on. I am not ready to move on. I am not ready. I haven’t cried in weeks, but thinking about being pregnant again is making me tear up. What if we lose another baby? What about you? Daddy and I want more children. I still ache to have another baby. To smell that sweet baby smell and snuggle a sleeping infant. I love your brothers so much, even though they can be little fireballs sometimes. I embrace the crazy and want to bring another life into this crazy little family. I don’t think I will ever feel completely ready. But I know that I want another baby, so I guess that is my answer. Please know, little one, that I still love you and miss you. Please know that even if I am excited for our new baby (if God chooses to bless us with one) that you are still my daughter. That I will always love you. Love Always, Mommy |
Cutie Pie,
Mommy talked to her doctor and she said that it would be okay for us to start trying again. Normally, it is something that is exciting and joyous but I had mixed feelings. It was never in question if we wanted more children because we absolutely do. The bigger question is how do we start trying to have another baby when we are still heartbroken over losing Cutie Pie? Logically I know that starting to try again and, God willing, having another baby is what God wants. We've always talked about how great of a gift siblings are and we want your brothers and you to have many siblings. I know that I still want this but for some reason it feels like starting to try again means moving on from losing you. There's just so much stuff going through my head, it is hard to sort through it all, hard to figure out what feelings are true and which ones are contrary to God's will. Mommy and I are excited to be trying again and open to life and God's will. We pray that he blesses us with another baby and you and your brothers with another sibling. You are our daughter, our little Saint in Heaven, for ever and ever. Love, Daddy |
Hi Baby,
This has been a hard week for me. I thought I was at peace with losing you, but it just hit me hard this week. I woke up anxious and panicky. I had nothing to be worried about but I couldn’t catch my breath. I have also started to feel more depressed this week. I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I feel alone and exhausted. I want to be with people, but when I am I don’t have the ability to talk. I feel foggy and out of it. It is like all of the sudden I realized that we lost you and I am experiencing it all over again. Daddy told me that they placed your stone on your grave today. He asked if I wanted to go see it. I struggled to say yes. I obviously wanted to see it, but I just am not a fan of cemeteries. I don’t like them. I don’t like going to them. As your mother, I feel that I need to visit your grave. However, you are not there. Your body is there, but your spirit is in Heaven. I don’t want to dwell on the sadness of your loss. I want to think about you in the arms of Jesus. I want to think about your perfection in Heaven. Going to a cemetery is hard for me. But I went. I went to see your stone. I went because I love you and I love your Daddy. I went because your brothers wanted so badly for you to have a pinwheel like the other babies in the cemetery. However, the store that we went to did not have any pinwheels. Isaac and Daddy picked out a yard marker that says LOVE. I felt that it was appropriate because you have experienced nothing but love. You have experienced no pain or heartache. You are loved. You are love. It was hard to see your name on the stone. It was very real for me. To look down and see the name of my daughter on a gravestone. I thought about the 18 year old versions of Daddy and me. I wondered what they would think if they could see 11 years into the future and see their family, broken on Earth but complete in Heaven. I wondered if they would be as heartbroken as we are now. I looked back on our lives together and actually felt happy for the first time in a long time. I feel so blessed to have your Daddy. I can’t imagine going through this with anyone else. God made your Daddy from a special mold. He knew exactly who I needed in my life. You, my sweet little one, in a very special way have brought Daddy and I closer together. Going through the loss of a child brought us closer together. I know that you are in Heaven looking down on us and praying for us. I thank you for that. I also ask that you continue to pray for our family, for your brothers, and for your Daddy and me. You are our little Saint. We love you and we miss you. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Elizabeth Ann,
Going to the cemetery is hard. Going and seeing where we laid you to rest, seeing the graves of our friends' babies, seeing all of the babies that have been lost. It brings back so many painful memories, but it also brings joy because I know you are in heaven with Jesus. We had been to the cemetery several times and they had not placed your head stone yet. One day a lady from Catholic cemeteries called and told me that your stone had been placed. I asked Mommy if she wanted to go down to the cemetery when I got home from work. She agreed that we should go, so when I got home we left. We made a stop by the store because we had told your brothers that they could bring you pin wheels. Every time we went to the cemetery they saw all of the pin wheels on the other graves and really wanted to bring you one. I thought it was a good way to teach them the importance of taking care of the graves of loved ones. I also know that as they grow up they won’t have their own memories of you. They won’t remember being in the hospital as mommy and I were weeping over our loss of you. They will remember through the stories we tell them, through the things we do and talk about. Things like going to the cemetery, or the ring that mommy wears with your name on it, or bringing pin wheels to your grave. I am so distraught over this, and am trying with my whole self to help keep your memory alive for them. I don’t want them to forget you. When we got to the store we looked all around and couldn’t find any pin wheels, but there was a small sign that said “LOVE” on it and your brothers liked it. We took the 15 minute drive to Calvary cemetery and placed the sign next to your newly placed stone. Your brothers both helped push it in. Then we stood there, looking at the stone, thinking about you. Seeing the stone there, with your name on it brought home how real this was once again. Today has been a rough day. I cried through a lot of my holy hour this morning and have been melancholy all day. I miss you so much. My heart breaks every day. Every time I see your first ultrasound picture at my desk, every time Isaac tells us that he just really wants to go to heaven so we can see you, every time I see the onesie that we were supposed to bring you home in, and every time we go to the cemetery, the reality that I will never get to hold you is driven home. All we can do is trust in God and know that you are in his eternal embrace. Know that we must strive for heaven with all of our strength so we can one day be reunited with you. I love you, Daddy |
Hi Sweetheart,
I had my six week post delivery appointment yesterday. I sat in the waiting room with another mom who was also at her 6 week post delivery appointment. She sat across the room nursing her newborn. There was a pang of jealousy followed by guilt for feeling that way. I don’t want to feel jealous of other moms. I just want to feel normal again. Anyway, I am all better. We have the go ahead to start trying for another baby. I have the all clear. My hormone levels are back to normal. My body is back to normal. Okay, that isn’t true. I eat when I am sad and there are about 15 depressing pounds around my middle that I need to get rid of first. This week has been filled with reminders of you. Isaac and Eli have wanted to give you a pinwheel since the day we picked out your headstone. I finally found one at the grocery store. Daddy and the boys are at the cemetery right now putting them next to your grave. They are red, white, and blue since this weekend 4th of July. Isaac asked Daddy if he could tell you all about America. He asked if you knew that we lived in America and that we celebrate America’s birthday this weekend. He was so excited to go see your grave and tell you all about it. And this morning, Isaac was swinging in the backyard. He is so happy when he is swinging. He told me that he feels like he is flying. This morning he told me, “Mommy, I feel like I could blast off and fly to heaven.” Eli shot out of his chair and said, “You could go see cutie pie!’ I just smiled. Eli continued, “Isaac if you go to heaven, you could get cutie pie and bring her back and put her in Mommy’s tummy.” I fought back tears. He’s only 2 ½ but he is so smart. I wish that I still had the faith of a child. There is no doubt or fear or discouragement. If it sounds possible, it must be possible. I thank God every day for your brothers. They bring so much life and love to our family. Please watch over them and pray that they lead holy and god-fearing lives. Please pray to keep them safe and healthy. And pray that their beautiful innocence remains forever. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Little One,
Mommy had her appointment with her OB today and she gave us the okay to start trying again. It is hard to understand what I’m feeling because Mommy and I want more children. Yet, I feel like when we start trying again that we’ll be forgetting you. I’m not sure how to explain it. How will we balance the joy of getting pregnant again and the excitement and expectation, while at the same time not having you. Mommy had to work today, so I took Isaac and Eli to the cemetery and then up to the golf course. Mommy was finally able to find pin wheels for the boys to take to you. We put them next to your stone and the “Love” sign we brought last week. Your brothers love you so much. Your Mommy and I love you so much. We’re still not over losing you, we will never be. I miss you ever day and some are harder than others. It helps to be with Mommy and Isaac and Eli. When Isaac sees me crying he always says “Oh! Daddy! What’s wrong?” and then gives me a big hug and says “It’s okay.” He’s always so surprised that I’m crying because “big guys” don’t cry, but he’s always right there to comfort me and mommy.’ I love you Elizabeth Ann, Daddy |
Hi Baby Girl,
Today is Isaac’s 4th birthday. I can’t believe he’s already 4. Every year on Isaac’s birthday, I get a little sentimental. I know that he needs to grow up, but remembering the day he was born reminds me just how much he’s grown. This year it also reminded me of you. I don’t get as sad as I used to get when I think of you. I don’t feel as cheated as I used to either. I just remembered that I won’t be able to celebrate your birthday in the same way that we celebrate Isaac and Eli’s birthday. There will be no party, no cake, no balloons….well, maybe balloons. Your brothers will probably always want to send balloons to heaven on your birthday. Your birthday is the day that we placed you in the arms of Jesus. And for that we can be happy. You are perfect. You are at peace. And for that I am eternally grateful. Please say a special prayer for your brother on his birthday. He loves you and misses you terribly. Love Always, Mommy |
Hi sweet heart,
I miss you. I thought for sure that I was pregnant this month. I took the boys on a vacation to North Dakota with Grandpa Jamie and Grandma Patty to see Uncle Josh. Daddy made me promise to wait until I got back to take a pregnancy test. I waited and waited and finally the day we left, I started my cycle again. Against my better judgment, I had already started planning for the new baby, thinking of due dates and praying for him or her. I knew I shouldn't, but I was already almost 5 days late. Yet, it wasn't in God's plan for us this month. Grandpa Jamie asked if I was upset and all I could say was no I am just tired. I didn't want to get into what was really bothering me. I was a mixture of disappointment, sadness, and anger. I want another baby and I am worried that we won't have another. I am also feeling guilty that I am not content with just your brothers. I love them so much. They are the best gift that I have ever received. However, my heart aches for another baby. I want them to have another sibling. I see how much they love each other and want them to have more siblings to share their lives with. I want to trust that God has a plan. I have a dear friend that has also experienced disappointment related to conception. She has confided in me that she is also worried that she will never have another baby. I pray for her and her family often. However, daddy and I decided that we are going to pray harder. We are fasting and praying for all families who experience miscarriage, infertility, and waiting for children. We looked at our lives and decided to give up one of our vices. I eliminated processed carbs from my diet. Daddy eliminated coffee. Now every time that I have a craving for something sweet or Daddy (who routinely wakes up before 6:00 am) wants a cup of coffee, we have the opportunity to pray for those families as well as our own. I am not going to lie, some days I just don't care. I feel like giving up but I know that one day God will answer our prayers. Maybe it will be with the birth of a baby and maybe in another way. However, until then we will fast and pray. Please pray for us as we pray for others. We miss you little one. Love Always, Mommy |
Hi Baby,
Mommy and I really want a baby, not just for ourselves but for God. We want souls for Heaven. We've decided to pray and fast while we are open to life and wait for God to entrust us with a new life. I decided to give up coffee. It is something that I routinely have at work and instead of being upset about not having it, I try to turn to God in prayer. I get reminded to offer this small sacrifice many times during the day and turn my thoughts and prayers towards God and our future baby. |
Hi Sweet Girl,
I have some exciting news. Mommy is going to have another baby. You are going to have a little brother or sister. I am more scared than I have ever been about being pregnant. Please pray for me little one. I need the peace and understanding that only comes from Jesus. I am filled with emotion. I want to laugh and cry all at the same time. I miss you more than ever. I am excited for this new little miracle but I am scared that we may lose this little one just as we lost you. Every ache and pain causes my stomach to drop. I trust in the Lord and know that his plan is better than my own. However, I am scared. I love you little one. More than ever. I imagine you being rocked in the arms of Jesus and it makes me happy. I love you and miss you. love always, mommy |
Dear Baby Bug,
We found out that Mommy is pregnant with another baby. God has answered our prayers. I am overjoyed that Mommy is pregnant, but I am terrified at the thought of losing another baby. I am praying and praying that the baby holds on tight and that God protects him or her. I love you so much, Daddy |
Hi Honey,
I haven't been myself today. Your brothers have not been listening and I have not handled it well. I am experience true morning sickness for the first time in my life with the exception that it actually lasts all day. I don't like my parenting style but I'm too tired to do anything about it. I'm also terrifed about what is about to happen. Tomorrow is my first ultrasound for the new baby. They are checking the viability. This word has been on my mind for weeks. I don't want to find out tomorrow that this pregnancy is not viable. I don't like that term at all. I don't like thinking so matter of factly about it. I am scared that my baby will not make it. I want assurance that everything is okay. The early bloodwork came back good, so that was a good sign. However, until I see this baby I will worry as any mother would. And even after that I will worry. I saw you on your first ultrasound. I want to be happy and excited about this baby. Yet I just keep wondering when it will end. I don't want to be a pessimist. Daddy tells me that we need to be excited and I am but it's hard when all I can think about it you. Please continue to pray for us little one. Ask Jesus to be with us and guard our minds against all negative thoughts. Love Always, Mommy |
Hi Cutie Pie,
As baby number 4 grows in Mommy's belly I too am excited and scared. I try to be brave and positive but I am absolutely terrified. When mommy was pregnant with Isaac then Eli then you everything went well until that day. That day that I still think about constantly, still think about every day at work when I see your ultrasound picture on my desk. I was never worried or scared before then. Now all I can think about is how we lost you. I am so scared for your little brother or sister in Mommy's belly. Please ask Jesus for us to help this baby grow big and strong. Our family will never be complete without you here but one day, God willing we'll all be reunited in heaven. I love you and miss you, Daddy |
Hi Baby Girl,
Daddy and I signed up to run a the Heals to the Pavement 5K for infant and pregnancy loss. However, since I'm pregnant again, my doctor put some activity restrictions on me. I was sad that I would get to run the race, but Daddy assured me that it was not about running or competing or the race time, but it was about doing it together to honor you. We decided to walk the 5K even if we were the last racers on the course. The night was gorgeous. It was a perfect night for a long walk. The boys had a blast and there were even fireworks at the end. We talked about you as we walked and remembered the few months that we had with you. I have been feeling more at peace with losing you for awhile now. However, it hit me again as the race started. It is not something you ever get over. I still miss you. I still think about you often. The tears don't come as frequently as they used to, but the thought of losing you still makes me hurt inside. About 5 minutes into the race, I felt this overwhelming sense of the Lord's presence. I felt a peace knowing that you are in Heaven with Him. I looked up at the sky and just knew that God was there. I cannot explain how gorgeous the sky and clouds and sunlight were, except to say that it was God speaking to me. He was bringing healing and comfort to my heart and the hearts of others who have experienced loss. There were so many other participants at this race. I was overwhelmed by the amount of people who had experienced the loss of a child. It feels like a secret most of the time. People don't talk about it. Yet, there is a community of people who are silently grieving, wishing that their child was still on Earth. Events like this are a blessing that allow people to feel a sense of community with others who know what they are going through. |
Mommy found a 5K for pregnancy loss that we signed up to do. We didn't really train for it since Mommy was pregnant again and we didn't want to do hard physical exercise. I think we came in last place but it was a great event and nice to be with so many other people struggling through the same loss. Running and seeing all of the signs with baby's names and pictures was heartbreaking. We miss you so much Cutie Pie.
I love you, Daddy |
Hi Baby Girl,
Daddy took the morning off today. The boys went out on a secret mission this morning before I had even taken a shower. I got ready, ate breakfast, and sat down to journal. I didn't know what to even write. I was struggling with how I was feeling. Just as I was about to begin typing, the boys burst into the house carrying red roses. They ran over and said collectively, "I love you mommy!" I looked up and saw daddy carrying a dozen white roses, Then daddy handed me a package wrapped in Christmas paper. The label said TO Mommy LOVE Cutie Pie, Daddy gave me a Christmas present from you. When I opened it up, I started to cry. It was a crystal baby's first Christmas ornament. This will be your first Christmas. Only instead of being here for Christmas, you are spending Christmas with the son of God. I am really happy for you. I am going to be thinking of you during midnight mass, picturing you celebrating the birth of our Savior with our Savior and all the Saints in heaven. I still miss you like crazy. But as hard as today was, it was also a really good day. Your daddy made sure that it was a special day to remember you. We had a wonderful time spending time together as a family. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Today was the day that we were supposed to get to meet you. December 7, 2016. I took today off work so that we could spend today as a family. Love, Daddy |
Hi Baby Girl,
We had to pick our c-section date today. The doctor suggested May 16, 2017. Exactly one year to the day of when you were born into Heaven. It seemed perfect. It seemed like God was giving us a gift - a promise that life will go on, that life will get better, that this terrible chapter in our lives (while not forgot) is closing. That we can move forward without forgetting. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Sweet Baby,
Mommy and I did the math and realized that the new baby would be delivered, most likely, on your birthday. We took this as a sign from God that our prayers were answered. I also think that you were trying to tell us that it should be a day to celebrate. When it was time to schedule the C-Section, we told that doctor that May 16 was our day and we were sticking to it. Love Always, Daddy |
Hi Baby,
Anna Margaret Hein was born on May 3, 2017. She was almost 3 weeks early, but perfect. Daddy and I are so in love with your sister. We wish you were here to meet her. However, we know that you are looking down on her with love. Please pray for her little one. Pray that she grows in faith, that she grows to know Jesus as intimately as you do. Please pray for her health and safety. The day we welcomed Anna into our lives was a wonderful and happy day. I thought of you and remembered the day that we lost you. The pain is still there, but it's not as raw. I was able to enjoy the birth of my newest daughter and still remember you, the daughter we lost. I guess that with time comes acceptance. Love Always, Mommy |
Hi Sweet Girl,
Your little sister decided to come 3 weeks early. She had been trying to come out for a week but the doctors wouldn't let her. Mommy has been miserable. Finally, after a week and several IVs full of fluid, the doctors agreed that Mommy was in labor. You would love your sister. She is perfection. A gift from God. I wish you were here to meet her, but I know you are looking down from heaven on her. Please pray for her as she grows. Love, Daddy |
Happy Birthday Elizabeth Ann,
May 16, 2017 - One year ago, Daddy and I were in the hospital. I was giving birth to a daughter that I would never meet. One year ago. I cannot believe it's been a year. It's been a year of ups and downs. I have had my lowest lows this year, but also had some of my most exciting moments. Daddy and I decided to celebrate your birthday with your brothers and sister. We wanted to visit you at the cemetery and have a treat in honor of you. However, your birthday was filled with Thunderstorms and tornado warnings. We spend the evening watching the weather and eating dinner in an unfinished basement during a tornado warning. The next day, we did visit you. We brought frozen custard, balloons, and flowers. Your siblings released balloons to send to you in Heaven. Mommy and Daddy brought you white roses. We all shared a bowl of custard and remembered the time that we did have with you. We will always miss you, my dear. We will never forget you. Love Always, Mommy |
Dear Cutie Pie,
Today, May 16, is your birthday. We decided a long time ago that we were going to celebrate your birthday and conception day just like we do for our children on Earth. You were an incredible gift from God that we will cherish every day of our lives. Our time with you was so short, but one day we will be reunited. We decided to go tot he cemetery for your birthday. Anna is only 13 days old. It is her first time at the cemetery. We brought ice cream, balloons, and white roses. Mommy and I left the roses for you. Isaac, Eli, and Anna sent up balloons to you in Heaven. And, we all shared the ice cream. However, it turns out that Isaac is not very good at sharing desserts. It breaks my heart every time we go to the cemetery because I miss you so much. I ache knowing that your brothers and sister will grow up without you. My only solace is knowing that we have a saint in Heaven. I love you, I love you, I love you, Daddy |